I don't know if I'm talking into dead air right now,
But every single cell in my body seperates
At the mere thought of losing you.
Life is far too fragile, In an instant
I watched sparks begin to dull and leave you completely.
Every regret churned in my stomach, All my tears ran dry.

I never knew what I had
until it could be taken away before I could even grasp it.

i'm trying to become more dedicated.
for awhile there, i lost touch with myself.
i want to leave this town, live my life.
dream big.
i miss film making.
i want to create something.
of course, this means drastic change.
going back to school, quitting marijuana.
merely being at home, family first.
i lost sight of my future.

dedication is something that i'm lacking.
but i want to make this life worth it.
to look beyond this place, move forward.

& you better believe i won't be looking back.

\ i hate seeing you cry.
it's a memory that i dwell on.
i'm the baby killer.
a fresh breath, my love
the one who can't handle it
through tear soaked eyes, i see you
a wretched scream, accustomed
why why
i'm still here. i'm here.

i'm still the one that will never leave.

fuck fuck fuck
withdrawal is a biiitch
all of this just makes me hate you more

Do you know what I hate?
Tools. And by this I might sound typical.
However, there are a variety of tools.
Tools that think they're smarter than everyone. Stupid Nerd.
Tools that disregard you because they think you're better than you. Stupid Choch.
Tools that are disrespectful and rude to others to bring themselves up. Stupid Insecurity.
Tools that think they have amazing talents and goals when in reality they'll go nowhere. Stupid Nowhere Kids.
Tools that think they have fantastic artistic ability and don't fit in anywhere, when in reality they have friends everywhere and have everything going for them. Stupid Indie Kids.
Tools that think it's trendy to be depressed. Stupid Scene/ Emo Kids.
Tools that enjoy drug use, and disregard the consequences. You don't know shit. Stupid Rebels.

TOOLS SUCK

So, I never thought in million years
I would be tight with the people I am right now.
In Bright Water, we became so close and it's fantastic.
And they all grew on me. Like.... little tumours on my heart.

PS. For the first time, I have a Valentine. I love her.

Life's good, and I am well.

I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS.
I CAN'T.

Pros and Cons of My Life Currently.

Pros:
I'm in love.
I'm doing very well in school.
I'm stoked to get back to Hardy for Media school.
I'm planning out my future
I've gotten a lot of reading done!
I've found lots of new music, good music too!
I'm in no rush to get anything done, I'm at a brisk pace.
I'm generally content with my life

Cons:
I'm broke, and need a job.
I've been looking for work for quite awhile now.
Things with mom are deteriorating rapidly.
I'll miss Nutana, not just the people, but the school.
I need to save, alot.
My near future will be filled with work and school.
I'm unsure as to where my future is headed.
I dislike this kind of chaos in my brain.
DECISIONS, DECISIONS.

What's this that I'm feeling?
It's so easy to explain on my head, but when I write it down,
the words to describe it are lost.
I've just never felt it before.
It's this..... constant and consistent pure and simple joy.
Life's great when you're a jedi.

I never thought I'd be one to make mushy blogs like this.
But now I just can't help myself. : )

P.S These last few nights have been amazing.