Another bunch of money
That as a student I can't afford to spend
Another shitty morning
To open presents in the name of the Lord
That reminds you once more
That are your loved ones are dead or gone
Gone into their own childish little world
Where they are the center of it all
A bunch of deadlines for work
That need to beput on hold
A mall that's filled with products I hate buying
Shit that keeps a rich guy in a high ranking social
Because he bought a brand new yaucht
My clothes were made by a woman or child
In a place where neither really have rights
Crowded shopping malls and stupid people that I have to wait in line behind
Why can't I just pick one day out of the year
To spoil my friends and family as needed
I hate doing it all at once
It makes me want to rip out my hair
I wish you a disfunctional Christmas
So you can have the same as me
LOL...
That's the stupidest poem I have ever written.. LOL
Okay. So I was thinking back to my childhood and I realized something. The one thing that really fucked me up and left me feeling confused was certain kinds of conflicting messages. Like don't be racist - but all chinese people are this and all black people are this and all white people are racist.
And then there was the love yourself message. But then some kid gets beat up or you get beat up. Or they made fun of the chubby girl from India. I mean how did they expect us to love ourselves when all we were taught how to do was hate.
It's what inside that counts. But that only seemed to make perfect sense when you actually met someone who was nice, but how rare was that. Almost everyone would back stab you or another friend and not care. Or everyone was an asshole so you never met anyone who was pretty on the inside too.
Drugs are illegal but they were always fun and accessible and guilt free when you were 12 and so and so's parents let you drink and get high on weed or acid. Fucked up world man.
Don't hit people. But watch people get paid to injure each other on TV. I mean gosh even stupid football jocks know that paralysis and brain damage is all part of the game and the glory right before they off themselves or their wives after no longer winning and incurring serious brain damage from football. That's right idiots fans of violence in sports. People actually have brains in their heads that function better if they are not damaged due to violence in sports. And since my nephew is in hockey I might have to remember not to beat the shit out of the little asshole that is damaging his brain and blame the players, coaches and fans who actually think that hockey should cause brain damage. Sometimes I wonder if only the brain damaged watch these sports because the audience seems to embrace the violence from time to time.
Heartbreak is very painful and unnessicary even though love in my idealistic way shouldn't hurt. I can try as I might to tell any Mistress that (even my Mom) but she actually defends cheating. Whatever happened to working on a relationship and making it work no matter what. Relationships are a two way street and if you got into one you may as well put in the effort to make the love last. Unless there is abuse - because you can cheat on your abuser without getting crapped on by me too much. In fact sometimes it feels good to cheat on some jerk who abused you. Their extra heartbreak is almost rewarding when you remember that you not only cheated on them, but you left the stupid abusive fuck and if you're lucky you might be able to ruin them financially too - just because of the abuse. I mean it would probably be slightly more moral if you left them for someone else, but never really cheated... then you might stand a better chance of getting a bucketload of money.
Environmentalism is even endorsed by celebrities.. wait does that make it dumb? Okay yes, but the scientists of the world know that environmentally friendly concepts are well environmentally friendly and can save trees and lives sometimes, I mean I am sure that even celebrities can read... So why did my niece think her mom was dumb for cutting down on waste in her own little ways. Maybe she is so smart she is really dumb because she thinks she is always right even though she can't even finish grade 10.
And here is the biggest, most commonly occuring conflicting message ever. Stupid mean people talk and they talk way too much about shit that they know nothing about. Injustice and cruelty is en grained in us just by living in our world. In fact half the shit that happens on TV or to your friends and the way the world works is awful, cold and harshly judgmental. No one cares about anyone or anything. And that is half of what is wrong in our world.
We live in a world where 50% of the world's wealth belongs to 10% of the population. All we do is sit around and buy things for ourselves and aim for luxuries that we will never attain. We are more concerned with the fact that we have designer clothes and having up to date gadgets and gizmos and there are millions of children dying in Africa, in Indonesia in India and all over south East Asia. They don't have a home, the will never learn to read or write and some children are forced into prostitution by family members so they can eat , some kids die in the dirt and we have free and accessible health care, I mean seriously this world is a disgusting place and nothing ever adds up like it should. And people are so selfish if they had to chose between partying their faces off or feeding some child who just needs to eat and have a dollar a day to get an education - we chose to party. We are born and taught to worship the most insignificant things in life - things that should be insignificant when you think about how easy we have it. But back to world wealth and it's unholy and unreasonable distribution 90% of the world's population owns 50% of the wealth. I'd love to buy a jet and a factory and just give it to some kids in Africa so they could start their own company and I would if I could and I want to. You can be rich and powerful and smart, but if you are a greedy asshole who doesn't give a fuck you are probably the main reason why people all over the world are starving. And another thing... why is the minimum wage impossible to live off of? What if you are dumb and the world is sexist (which it can be) and you are stuck waiting tables for not being a genius. That would suck. All I know is that I dam well better be smart enough to not have to resort to minimum wage or shitty jobs for my whole life. Because if my business fails and my life comes down to that I will be pretty upset with this world... Making $1200 - $2000 a month isn't even enough to have a car and a home and fun... So if that is what I get stuck with. This world will even more officially become a broken piece of shit.
Also - people who don't like to let other people talk because they are too competitive annoy me. If you can't compete I don't care because I wasn't even interested in defeating anyone. I just have a few problems I need to discuss.
I am so bored. If my TV doesn't start to seem really entertaining really quickly I will most likely write emails and blog for the rest of my life...
Hey. I am selling Breaking Barriers CDs to fund raise for The Calgary Gay Youth Safe House Foundation. There are some great tracks and it's a great gift for the holiday season and an even better way to fundraise and make our cause as awesome as we can make it..
Cheers
M
Yay... So I am going back to Calgary to visit my Mom and help her clean her house. My Dad died a two years ago and she works so much that she hasn't had time to housekeep. Luckily her boss is starting to catch her working too much overtime and has been recommending against it... thank goodness. Her dog has been running away from sheer boredom. Yesturday or the day before she got away somehow and dissapeared for an hour or so, and when my Mom went back to the house (she works from home sometimes) our little Bailey was chilling out on the front lawn. LOL.
Anyways.. can't wait to see my Mom and my family and I want to try to hit a few of the old places I frequent at. I hope that my abusive X won't be there. She scares the piss out of me. Apparently after her last girlfriend broke up with her she kicked down her door and trashed the living room. My abusive X has a nasty habit of kicking the crap out of all her girlfriends when they break up. She also has a nasty habit of framing her friends who witnessed her beating up on the X with crimes. Hilarious as long as she isn't framing you. But what a headache it could be if it was you she was trying to frame with crimes to cover up her past. Personally I am not the kind of person who commits crimes so I have nothing to hide. My advice to anyone who frequents gay bars in B.C. or Alberta is avoid Nikki Pawluk she'll ruin your life like she has ruined everyone else's. Her friend's never told me how screwed up she was... I wish they would have or I would have stayed away from her...
Anyways.. If anyone from Calgary still comes by here. I hope to see you there. Drop me an email or something just as great..
Much Love
M
Sometimes I think I am hilarious. When I think I am hilarious I wait for the laughing and I get nothing. LOL. And I think to myself dammit I was so close. Other times I tell stories and people laugh and I have no idea why hey are laughing. But I get kind of excited because peop laughed which means I was funny... And sometimes I like jokes so much I don`t care about when they laughed, just the fact that they laughed is a score. Lately I have no idea why people are laughing and that is what I want to know. I have been to several comedy shows and I don`t laugh and I don`t get why people are laughing.
I wonder what makes people laugh and why they are laughing. I just want to get a better grip on reality.. LOL...
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Hmm..
It seems I am 29 and am already having a mid life crisis. It seems that nothing in my life is good enough anymore. I mean my girlfriend is great, but that is on of the few things that makes me happy. I wish that what I am stating wasn't the case, but it seems like there is no way around this.
I go to bars and although I loved going to bars when I was younger it has all changed now. Bars used to be my escape from the trying world around me. I used to work on projects that were to help at risk and low income communities.. the ghetto basically. I guess in many ways that type of work changed my life and my way of thinking. I care more about people then I did before but I do have to admit one thing. I seemed to care more about the children affected by poverty and drugs and prostitution then I did about the men. I felt so appalled when I would hear stories about 12 year old children being introduced to heroin and being pimped out as prostitutes to sick older men who didn't mind paying money to fuck little girls. It still makes me sick. I guess in some ways I am actually really lucky compared to some of the shit lives and living situations other kids had to live through.
Back to my point though. When I think about what the world around me is made up of, I start to question the effectiveness and validity of everything, because when I think about the worlds problems, I realize that the world has been built (even in the media) to cause all the problems that need to be fixed. Everything mainstream or a part of popular culture is fulfilling, misguided, over glorified, over rated and pro everything I am against. Thing is... I have no choice but to put up with all the things I hate or find counter productive to my mentality no matter what I do or where I turn. When I was a child I wanted to belong and fit it, but as a grown up I am beginning to question that sense of belonging that everyone desires. I just want to find comfort in this world's chaos and a calm inside the storm... I want to do something that matters, I want to be ground breaking and set a precedence, I want to be innovative and I want to stand out from the crowd... And sometimes I just want to walk alone instead of with everyone else...
Hmmm....
Well I think I am in love for the very first time in my life. And it feels good to me. I don't really know what else to say. I never really believed that it existed or that it would ever be worth it. So what else can I say. It's the like getting the best gift in the world that, and it's got no expiration date and it feels new and beautiful all the time. I don't know. If anyone else has ever been in love or has a story about it. Share it with me please. It'll be a cool learning experience.
Cheers
M
so many times
i dream myself away
it's the solitude
that plays with my mind
reflecting inside
i come to see that all i have is me
and this solitude wraps me in a surreal warmth
where no one can hurt me
and there will be no one that I must turn away
the beauty that lives in my soul
was only from my mind and I see this every time
now i stand just to fall
back to this world's cold truth
and the emptiness she felt
she was the one i failed
inside my mind
only you
can chose to be true
only i chose to dive into fear
i love the lonely nights
i thought were done for me
the love i sought in you
wasn’t enough for me
one day you will see
the sweet innocence return to me
for even if i have to run to the graves
to find a sacred place to weep
in that silence i keep her demise in my mind
my broken heart and empty hands
that reach for her
to heal the scars they left inside
but no one knows what’s inside me
they don't see how much i care...
she's gone and she will never come back
to make sure i am safe
to make sure i am sound
and i can't rewind or take back all that i should
i am happy being me. i realize this. i just hate it when people judge and then criticize me for being as independent as i am. i am strange - but to me the world isn't what i think it should be.. so i'll just dream some more.. hmm..
why is life so dissatisfying to me. why do all the great minds and social justice movements come after i have had the answers for years.. i hate death.. man.. and if we find out why some people die.. well just trust me.. sometimes people shouldn't be left to starve and die. i hate my life, i hate my life, i hate my life
i hate the humans treat each other and our surroundings. tonight i want to think about the world around me and give a shit like never before..
my love
i love how you bleed to break me
with my broken heart
on my sleeve
i’m nothing to you forever more
you’ve made me pay
a thousand times
and you’ll make me pay a thousand more
make me suffer see if i care
but give me time
and soon you’ll be there
in the new world around the bend
everything you've yearned for
is all i'll plan to give
i'll wrap you up in everything
and all the stars from the sky
then wrap you in your torment as you have done for me
apparently people who are just like you are meant to hate you. is it because we're the same. or just too competative? did opposites atract? it's hard to say - because i know that i know what to say and how to act properly without trying to hurt people.
