Life doesn't last forever so live if up, drink it down,
Laugh it off, avoid the bullshit, and take chances.
Never ever have regrets because at one point
It was what you wanted.
Sometimes I like to hold your hand and kiss you.
Fuck the excuses
and fuck you
so what's up?
Oh and
I hate the excuses I keep making.
I hate the horrible, sick feeling I get in the pit of my stomach from you.
I hate how my self-confidence drops around you.
I hate the silences with you.
I'm going to hate this week, and I'm going to hate how hard it's going to be.
I hate everything you make me think of.
I hate how I try to live up to your standards.
I hate not being able to remember those details. I try as hard as I friggen can, and I still get nothing. I see the vauge outlines of what happened. I just wish my brain and memory would cooperate.
Have you ever thought of how weird it sounds to say 11 with another number in front of it, like 1911 or 2011.
I was thinking the worst..
but now as time goes on..
I'm thinking a little bit better..
I pretty much miss you more than I've ever missed anyone.
Stupid stupid me and my failure at "notthinkingaboutthebadwhatif's"
It just doesn't seem to be working for me.
I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep...
And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
isn't enough
and I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
And I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
down your pants.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While you lift up my shirt after asking politely.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I'm not sure you'd cooperate.
Not sure you'd come clean.
And I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
and I swear I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
Yeah, I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
Is gonna tear mine away
As I head through the Glass Corridor separating the men and the women, I see Lilly sitting alone at a table. She looks up at me and she smiles and our eyes meet and I smile back. She looks down and I stop walking and I stare at her. She looks up and she smiles again. She is as beautiful a girl as I have ever seen. She eyes, her lips, her teeth, her hair, her skin. The black circles beneath her eyes, the scars I can see on her wrists, the ridiculous clothes she wears that are ten sizes too big, the sense of sadness and pain she wears that is even bigger, I stand and I stare at her, just stare stare stare. Men walk past me and other women look at me and Lilly doesn’t understand what I’m doing or why I’m doing it and she’s blushing and it’s beautiful. I stand there and I stare. I stare because I know where I’m going I’m not going to see any beauty. They don’t sell crack in Mansions or fancy Department Stores and you don’t go to luxury Hotels or Country Clubs to smoke it. Strong, cheap liquor isn’t sold in gourmet Groceries or boutique Liquor Stores. I’m going to go to a horrible neighborhood run by horrible people providing product for the worst Society has to offer. There will be Dealers and Addicts and Criminals and Whores and Pimps and Killers and Slaves. There will be drugs and liquor and pipes and bottles and smoke and vomit and blood and human rot and human decay and human disintegration. I have spent much of my life in these places. When I leave here I will find one of them and I will stay there until I die. Before I do, however, I want one last look at something beautiful. I want one last look so that I have something to hold in my mind while I’m dying, so that when I take my last breath I will be able to think of something that will make me smile, so that in the midst of horror I can hold on to some shred of humanity.
