picture me naked in your bed
i dont read anything i write. i dont write anything i think i should.
death is selfish. it doesnt rip anyone away from life it just suddenly comes and takes away. suddenly hurts..you expect suddenly, you hope for peacefully...
in complete honesty... you dont get either.
i cant even write the words and i cant decide if i should. i wish that people would stop thinking about the pointeless...and think about the question.
"i dont need to fight to prove that im right...i dont need to be forgiven"
Ask me anything, about anything, I have an answer for you and it might be what you want to hear.
Tell me something, tell me anything and it could be what I was waiting for someone to say.
I am full of questions and answers I don't know which one's are what.
I don't believe it matters as long as you can be willing to use them.
Finding paces and finding themes to use in your image of yourself is all fun and games but to make yourself whole suggested by your act I'd suggest to change the world around you instead of yourself.
Because the world gets in you.
And your inner self never get outs of the world.
Don't think of me as just one thing. It hurts my head to be just one thing, But if I could be just one and only one thing, let me say it would be one god dam hell of a relief to me.
hahaha I don't think you understand, you really don't understand, the phrase has been used too much by people our age. But you dont. You do not understand.
Because I am playing this like a fucking harp
the Honest Survey:
1. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
yellow with white stripes
2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?:
what am i doing tonight?i have to tinkle
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?:
sitting, waiting, daydreaming,deciding
4. Honestly, what did you do today?:
i woke up at 7:30, called tanya and asked if we could do coffee at 9:30 and not nine.went back to sleep, woke up went to go for a walk and couldnt find my music, i was pissssed!went for coffeee with T, went to work, walked jack at the dykes, hung with my mom, now im here
5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?:
now and then. not always.
6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?:
not today.WAIT yes i did, i ate judys yogurt at work. she is pissed at me and i feel really guilty. i thought it was Jenn W's..
7. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?:
yes sometimes. dee hates it when i put on cartoons.
8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
yes. horribly im jelouse of my tiga sometimes. maybe i just admire her.
9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
im not sure. i try to be happy. music, walking, fall time, my friends, feeling appreciated. helping people. random compliments.
10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?:
no i dont like it when people do.
11. Honestly, what is your mood right now?:
feeling anxiety i hate it.
12. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?:
yes.. i was fucking hungry for a year.
13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?:
only a friend.
14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?:
yes.
There is no #15.
why?
16. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?:
i dont, i dont know if ican.
17. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?:
earlier i wanted to hug my mom. but i didnt. we dont really touch.
18. Honestly, are you loyal?:
i am loyal its a problem. i get pushed around a lot, but my loyalty doesnt stray. maybe thats why i can be such a bitch, i just dont want to get fucked over because ones i love you i do and im loyal forever.
19. Honestly, are you in denial?:
over what?
20. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?:
meh. sex is over rated. i kinda feel like making out with someone tho, thats better then this.
21. Honestly, who is your best friend?
DEEEEEEE ..my sister jennifer. i need them.
22. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol?:
have you?
23. Honestly, do you like someone?:
yaaaaah...i dont know. i always like someone, i want to like them i mean. im pathetic at it. i lose interest... i screw over the boys i like...probably becausei never really adored them in the first place, i always think i can or i might, but i never do. someday i will, i think karma will kick my ass that day, and he will leave me. or maybe im giving out what they deserve, who knows.
24. Honestly, does anyone like you?
friends do. no one besides the creeper from the mall. he saw me for 3 minutes and decided he loved me. im just that charming.
25. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?:
oh well i didnt know the liking question was like "do u like like someone" i thought jsut in general.....but to answer probably not. my relationships tend to be dead ends.
26. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?:
yesssssss frick enough.
Dear cher,
I have always wanted to_______you.
you have a cute______.
You make me _______.
You should _______.
Someday I will ______.
You + me=________.
If I saw you now I'd __________.
I would build a _______ just for you.
I would get your name tattooed on my __________.
If I could sing you any song it would be _________.
We could __________ under the stars.
My love for you is like that of ____________.
Love,
_______________
(P.S. ______________.)
fall fall fall fall fallfallfalllfallfallfallfallfall JUMPjumpjumpjustfuckingfall
At night before i fall asleep i think ..andi think and i think. i think about my friends and life and i often find myself thinking about death. actually thats something that i never stop thinking about. im not sure if its normal or if everyone else does it but thats what i think about. dont get me wrong..for the most part i like life and im happy not to dead..and if ever i find myself thinking whats the point? i just realize that i have barely achieved anything important in life and that right now my point is to do as much as i can..so that if by chance i do happen to die an early death then atleast they can say"she was a good person" or "she was funny..a good person..if you knew her..really actually knew her and had one of those hour long conversations where she just rambled about everything then you would know that she did have potensial..and that she would give the shirt off her back if needed" i think that if i had of died when i was like 13 that would have been true. iv always been mentally mature for my age..not that im an a complete idiot upfront but the thoughts i have and stuff i mean. but if i had died when i was younger people could have said she was honest..she loved as much as she could..and she was strong really really strong..she had hope and beliefe standards ..charisma. now all i can think that people would say was"she was a really goodperson..you could tell..she just got clouded" sometimes im not even sure if anyone would say that..they would say the usual things you say when people die.. but the truth is i did get clouded and lost and all crazily effed in the head. at some point the parent divorse and the split of the family and the lack of contact with a mom and the jelousy of all the other girls that were close to me completely over came me and i just fell. Iv heard the saying..if your ina hole stop digging. its a lot harder to stop digging then it sounds. and thats wherei am now..i keep trying to stop digging. Iv always had an over welming sense of guilt. when i was little i was my moms toy..if i ever said no i didnt want to go do something like wake up and go to a garage sale..i would instantsly feel bad and make myself go..because the guilt would literally eat me i would cry and cry because i felt like i was being a bad daughter. Now the guilt isnt so much towards that type of thing. I kill myself with the guilt i have towards myself for not being true to my self and my standards logic and family. I know that whatever i am now im really not supposed to be..the drugs and the drinking and the permiscuis acts..they all came in one big package and i jumped right into it hoping to escape from whatever i was feeling. im not a druggy..iv never been addicted to drugs and i find them sick..yet iv done them..numerous times. thats what gets me..i hate them they are grose i dont have a good time ont hem and yet if they are there...i take them. Not always..especially not now. Iv noticed a huge change inmyself lately.. im slowly slowly getting better.. its just the guilt of not achieving all that i had planned int he last years that gets me down..and if i get mad then i jsut go do whatever..but slowly thats stopping and im so thankful for that. This is some of the things i think about. and believe me..i think ALOT
