So. My name is, as I’m sure you know, Kirsten. I dislike it but I can’t think of anything better to call myself. I’m a curious person, and I ask too many questions. Middle schools scare the shit out of me for reasons I cannot explain. Rice cakes are really quite swell. I have brown eyes which I dislike and blonde hair that is turning brown. I have never dyed my hair but I wish it was blue or green. Red is my favorite color. I’m way too addicted to the internet and my laptop but you know, who isn’t these days? I don’t have a life a lot of the time but lately it’s getting better. I have a hard time expressing myself properly and I laugh a lot. Raine is sweet. I am going to name two children Pynn and Wednesday or Thursday. If you name your child Pynn I will hunt you down and stab you in the face with a sword. I get attached to people really easily and I’m quite insecure. If you appreciate me or like me in any way, I need to be told this. I have athazagoraphobia, but I don’t expect you to know what that is. Look it up if you really want to know. Or ask me. I dislike it when people say, “I SUFFER from such-and-such disease/problem.” I don’t know why, it just bothers me. I have an unhealthy fixation with hospitals. I wish I lived in one. Take me to the I. Brianne and I used to be mistaken for sisters when we were little. The waitresses at IHOP were really dumb. I had a pretty amazing childhood. I was born and grew up in Hong Kong, China. Fuck you, no I’m not lying. I’m not that pathetic. I have an amazing family, and I’m probably one of the more fortunate teens of the world. I’m sick of people trying to make me feel guilty for having good things in my life when they don’t have them too. It’s not my fault, any of it, so shut up. I’ve never been to Christina Lake. Physical pain is overrated at times. I dislike it when people tell me to stop chewing on tacks; just because it hurts you, doesn’t mean it hurts me. You don’t care a bit, you don’t care a bit. When I was growing up in Hong Kong I used to collect snails from underneath the trees across the street and keep them in containers in the garage of our apartment. When my parents would vacuum the car I would stick money into the electrical sockets. Once, when I was two, I fell over and whacked my head on the edge of a dishwasher. Apparently I lost a lot of blood, and there is now a dent in my head. It makes me laugh. I like attention, as you probably know, or can tell. I’ve grown up a lot in the past year, but I’ve also grown down. I’m a generally happy person and I can’t hold a grudge for very long. My retainer is zebra-striped. We’re not living in America. Once, my brother fell down the hardwood stairs in Hong Kong when he was, like, four, or something, and I laughed extremely hard. I still regret that. I used to own the best red leather shoes in the entire world. I also had a matching watch. I remember the weirdest things…for my sixth birthday I got up extra early and walked down the overpass to a different apartment so a girl there could French braid my hair. I had a marching band that year, and I got in a fight with my best friend because she wouldn’t let me play the drums. She and I used to watch “Bananas in Pajamas” and eat peanut butter and chocolate sandwiches. One night when I was six I was brushing my teeth in my room for some reason and I tripped over my beanbag chair and lodged my toothbrush in my throat. I don’t remember how I got it out, I just remember my brother laughing hysterically at me. Once when I was seven I forgot to lock the bathroom door and my parents caught me peeing standing up. Hahahahahahaha. Hahaha. Warning signs, anyone? Points for you if you’ve read this far. I keep getting strange flashbacks from a time where I didn’t care about anything, where I played croquet in the backyard of a huge Victorian mansion, where my dad and my brother and I went to the baseball field and bought ice cream bars from a truck, where I wasn’t afraid of my grandfather and we would go to the beach and collect shells and crabs…I can’t figure out when all of this happened though. I used to ask Santa to turn me into a boy. More warning signs, anyone? Points for you if you know what I’m talking about. I used to long for a best friend, the kind you read about in books, and I think I’ve finally found what I wanted for so long. It took a lot of pain, more than anything, but I’m glad we didn’t give up. I’ve had some of the greatest times with you. Thank you for everything, you know who you are. BFFFFFFL, LOLZ. I like to damage myself for really pointless reasons, like the money in the electrical socket incident. Like in seventh grade, I threw myself down a small cliff to get out of going to science class. When my dad was teaching me how to ride a bike I would intentionally make myself crash. When I was four I liked to climb trees and fall out of them. In grade one I got other kids to push me off the monkey bars. At my cousins’ farm I would jump off galloping horses. I like to stand in the middle of highways and see how many cars stop before nearly hitting me. When I was nine I took a heavy rock into the lake with me and tried to see if I could drown myself for fun. Despite all of this and other things, I have never broken a bone or caused any serious problems. I’m constantly thinking of new things, though, without meaning to, and I’m hoping for irreversible damage. I’m not fucking suicidal. I dislike drugs and alcohol, but I can’t really say anything since I’ve never tried either. I just don’t like what they do to people. I take too many pictures and too many of them suck ass. My brother goes into my room when I’m not at home and reads every single piece of personal information I have in here. I know this because he never puts anything back the way it was. This angers me but really, what can I do about it? I used to figure skate and play hockey, I used to swim competitively, I used to do gymnastics, I used to bike and hike and run, I used to be in track and field, I was in a triathlon once. Now I do nothing. I’m one of the laziest people I know. I love to sleep. It’s great fun, even though I don’t dream anymore, about anything, and I usually wake up more tired than I was before I went to bed. It’s still fun though, and I would sleep my entire life away if it were possible. I played guitar for something like six years and then I quit and played piano for another three. I quit that and took up the alto saxophone. I quit that too and started on the baritone, which is by far the most fun thing to play, besides the harmonica and the recorder. We gave my dad a blue ukulele for Christmas this year. I sing too loud in the shower and I miss the days of choir. So here we ah-aarre, we’re in Ja-paaaan, and we’ll savor every moment of this. I stay up too late and I have a terrible crush on Jeph Howard. My mom used to buy Pop Tarts and I love Nutella. Steevy Blower is an amazing person; she was named after her grandfather, but that’s not why she’s amazing. Drew Harris means the world to me; I would do anything for that boy. This chair is extremely uncomfortable and I love hipbones. There was a man at Wakefest with INCREDIBLE hipbones; I wish I had taken a picture. George and I wore the same shorts. One thousand four hundred and fifteen words and counting. I received the acid speech the second time I met her. I will remember that day, that summer, until I die. My parents had a cardboard cat with them at their wedding. I’ve been to Australia before but I don’t remember it for the simple reason of I wasn’t born yet. My best friend and her sister are overly obsessed with Puzzle Castle. “I don’t know, GET MY CALCULATOR AND SEE.” Starbucks is a fucking marvelous place. I’m pretty sure I used to have a crush on my cousin. Ew. My grandfather bought me a stamp-collecting kit one year and I loved it more than anything. Why am I such a nerd? I’ve never failed a class in my life, unless you count that math class that I would have failed if I didn’t have a sweet teacher that decided not to fail me even though I had like 4 percent. Math is definitely not my best subject; it should fucking die. Honestly, who needs that shit? NOBODY. Well, some people might but the majority of people could really be spending their time on something that they can actually apply to life. You remind me of home. Stevo, Kaden, Aeron, Dimitri, Drew, Steevy, Katmandu, thank you all so fucking much. Friends forever, I love you. James Frey is my favorite author; I don’t care what anyone says. I tend to read at least three books at once. Dumbo is an extremely stupid movie and I can’t figure out why I loved it so much when I was little. Ren and Stimpy is possibly the creepiest show I have ever watched in my entire life. Green eyes would be sweet…someone buy me some? Hahaha, hahahahahhahahahaa…“It’s even longer lasting…” “KAYSWEET.” Gooddddd god. Aeron and Kaden are perhaps the most tremendous kids I’ve ever met in my entire life. Best summer of my life, guys. I’ll never forget you as long as I live. Carrots-on-a-stick, chicken-on-a-stick, ‘BOOMSTICK?’ retarded shadow puppets, that fucking hard bed, the beach, oh man, the beach. Kyle’s nipples bleeding, sperm soda, near-drowning experiences, getting stuck in that tree, the lawn chair. Don’t forget bunny hunting and Face Days, either. And the weekend she spent with me, pattywatch, don’t use that toonie, Star Wars watches, and everything in between. Greeley Estates, Underoath, the self-playing piano, fuzzy handcuffs, everything. We’ve been through a lot of crap and you’ve helped me so much. You’re fucking amazing and I mean it. I love you, Kaden, more than you’ll ever know. Thank you for all of it. Aeron, Aeron, where do I begin? A whole fucking year of nothing but idiotic remarks, pretty much. You’re one of my best friends, and there’s way too much to say about you. Thanks for all the free Coke and the Oreos and spending Canada Day singing along to “In the Jungle”. You’re fucking craaaaazy, boy. I love you, though. Forever, kay? PEACEOUT. Two words past two thousand and I’m not close to being done yet. I love the movies Fight Club, Requiem for a Dream, Garden State, Wicker Park, Whalerider, The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, and that movie that said Cody was a turtle. The West Ed trip was pretty much hilarious. Thanks mainly to Drew we got lost several times, and we met some tryhard punk girls who looked exactly the same on that ride that swings around a couple trillion times. There was a pirate ship that made us scream, and that roller coaster that bruised my ribs. We lost count of all the scene kids, and didn’t even try to count the gangsters. Coldplay is my favorite band of all time. Bored yet? If you’ve read this far, I’ll bake you a brownie. No I won’t, but I’ll take you to the formal. I’ve got six dates and counting, cause I’m a chick magnet. Haha oh Frenchpants. I own a book called Red Is Best. I’m really nothing special but if you can get past all the laughing and the tack-chewing and the annoying parts of me, I can be entertaining. I’m really tired of being down on myself and I’ve decided that there are some good things about me. My smile is really retarded but I like it anyways. I don’t eat a lot but I love Japanese chicken, and ginger beef. Mexican food is sweet. Mexican people are sweeter. There’s this boy named Jason, and he’s pretty much the funniest kid ever besides Dimitri. Jason scares me sometimes with all his Fexitalian shizzat (KIDDING) but basically he’s amazing to be around. If you ever insult or hurt that boy in any way I’ll hire a hit man and have you dead in a matter of seconds. Well. I’ll try, anyways. I love Jason so much. And then there’s Dimitri. I’ve never met a kid as weird as him. I’ve also never met anyone who could make me laugh as hard. Five years and counting and we’ve only fought once. He punched me at one point and I stabbed his mouth with a blue pen in French class. Little Green Riding Hood, HAND ME MY SWORD, ANDY, WE’LL CHOP IT OFF. Wing wang, ding wong, web dings, ding wangs, wib wangs, wang dings, the flying doors, HELP ME GUIDE THIS THROUGH THE DOORS, TIMOTHY. Good grief. You’re crazy. I love you, Dim. Thanks so much for more than I can say. So now that I’ve blundered sloppily through a tiny fragment of my life story in a very messy manner, ARE YOU BORED YET? I love Harry Potter and I hate the Lord of the Rings. Lemony Snicket scares me. I have no artistic talent whatsoever and taking art all these years was a huge mistake. I love it when Kaden sings, and I love it when Drew plays Don’t Panic. I love Wendy’s and all the times I’ve had in there with so many different people. TEEN MOTHER. I love Kaden’s hands more than anyone else’s, ever. Playmobile amused me for about fourteen years. I love Adbusters and I love Silver Lake. D2D was the most amazing week of my life. Careful where you stand. I’ve always wanted to live in a really tiny, boring town. I’ve always wanted to live in Gotham City. I’ve always wanted to live in a tiny house. I’ve always wanted to live across from someone special. I like coloring books. I act like I’m five. I’m really immature, and I look it, too. I like it when you tell me I’m funny. I like it when you tell me I’m pretty and you mean it. I like it when you hold my hand. I like it when I can look into your eyes and know nothing can hurt me. I like knowing I won’t live very long. I like knowing I’m tremendously unhealthy. I like not being afraid of death. I like blood. I like water. I like warm rain. I like snow. I like rice cakes and guacamole. I really like letters. So. My name is Kirsten and now you’ve got a tiny bit more knowledge about me. Not that you really needed or wanted it. If you read this all, I love you, thanks. Please tell me so I can hug you into oblivion. What’s my middle name?
