Etch-A-Sketch Instruction Manual
Thanks to Ohio Art!
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Wal-Mart Fun
Here are several ways to make your experience at Wal-Mart much more fun!
Move the displays into a maze, then stand at the end and congratulate anybody who makes it out.
Hold a box tightly. if people look at you, clutch the box to your chest and say, "Mine."
Hide inside the clothing racks, and when someone begins to look through the racks, stick your head out and say, "Do you mind?"
Stand in the freezer with a sign that says "Do not thaw until 3000 A.D."
Go to the checkout line and page yourself. Slip away, then come back 5 minutes later, saying you were paged. Repeat until you're told to leave.
Stick price stickers to yourself and lay on the conveyer belt. When asked what you're doing, say, "I got hungry and ate all my food."
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?"
Try on bras over top of your clothes.
Make a trail of lemonade on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy"
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off with the volume controls set at full.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Put a bottle of shampoo on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath department.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me!! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Go into the dressing room and yell real loud "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
What to Say to Telemarketers
Guaranteed to work! Or not.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you sure could use some money.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my dog just died" when they try to get to the sale, just keep talking about your problems.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ company" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy, IS that you? Oh my God Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI or AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family & Friends Plan, reply in as sinister a voice as you can. "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?"
If the company cleans carpets, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him / her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!" Then hang up.
Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment and ask them to give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When they explain that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Tell the telemarketer you are "grounded" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "C'mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your mom?"
If they are selling magazines, ask them if they come in Braille.
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.
If Men Got Pregnant
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.
There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent effectiveness.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.
Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm.
Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
Women would rule the world!
In Flight Humor
Here are some real examples of humor on airplanes that have been heard or reported:
"Hello Everyone, we have a first time flyer on board today - and it is also their 50th birthday!" After everybody cheers, the flight attendant continues, "Will everyone please wish the captain a Happy Birthday!?"
The pilot dropped out of the fog at Spokane Washington and discovered he was half way down the runway and slammed the plane down onto the ground. The flight attendant announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just dropped into Spokane."
"Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft." <scattered applause> "So... if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker, shake his hand, and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines."
"If you smoke, please wait until you arrive at a designated smoking area to light up, which (in California) would be outside."
"Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!"
After taking off, the pilot got on the speaker and said, "Bear with me folks, this is my first time."
"From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Insanity Helpers
Many things to get you through the day.
When someone asks you to do something, ask if they want that super-sized.
Run one lap around the office at top speed.
Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on and off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While a co-worker is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, PLEASE! All of you just shut up!".
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
In a co-worker's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and donut, smash each donut with your fist.
During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Play a tape of jungle sounds at work all day.
Send this website to everyone in your address book, even if they have sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom (don't disguise your voice).
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think".
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Don't use any punctuation.
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite sex).
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess".
Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, 'Rock Hard'.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week !!!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
Andy Rooney Thoughts
Here's what I have learned.
I've learned...
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That when you're in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold, and a heart to understand.
That simple walks with my father, around the block on summer nights when I was a child, did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper - the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
That money doesn't buy class.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone's hard shell, is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day - what makes me think that I can?
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
That love - not time - heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheek.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow, he may have to eat them.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, you're hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but that all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
That it's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
One Liners
One of the classic forms of humor.
Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.
Why do you press harder on the buttons when the battery in the remote control is dead?
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
If at first you don't succeed, try left field.
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.
If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can’t fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don’t ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7. 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Contents may have settled out of court.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.
They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.
Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.
I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.
He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.
I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.
I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.
He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Gun Control: Use both hands.
Remember: First you pillage then you burn.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
Half the people in the world are below average.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh
You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.
Save the whales: collect the whole set .
I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Can a blind person feel blue?
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?
Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?
Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.
The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?
I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.
Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.
If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?
Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.
Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
Jesus is coming, so look busy.
We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?
Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.
Death to all fanatics!
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.
If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
There's no future in time travel.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.
A good pun is its own reword.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?
Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!
For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
I love cats; they taste just like chicken.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Some people have a way with words, others not have way.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.
Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.
I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.
Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either.
Department of Redundancy Department
"If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf".
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
Clones are people two.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.
Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
Geez if you believe in honkus.
He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling.
Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
Drilling for oil is boring.
Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.
I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
We are all prawns in the game of life.
