Mr.Five










You know that person that you met.... the person who you think may be the best thing you have ever seen and the most loveable person you coul seek to exist?... i do... have you ever told your self that maybe its just to much for you? but... you couldnt ever tell her that cause your afraid that you could lose such a beautiful women of your dreams?... i have... And then... out of a perfect day of love... you tell her as if out of know where.... that you cant take anymore of this drama... this stress.... this commitment.... and you feel like you shouldnt have to lead her on anylonger? you feel liek you should let it all go.. let her live the life she deserves... and move on? and how she is the only thing left for you... yet.... u want her to leave because the love is just to much to take? ive been there.... ive lost it all...Ive ripped the heart out of a girl that i was just so sure i was ready to be with... what tells you these kinds of things? what makes you want to end it all? how is it that at the most horrible, and depressing times.. you want that special someone who is walking with you every step of the way to dissapear? it doesnt make sence.... you promise her the life of a princess... yet... you bullshit her... and destroy the so called "perfect life" you were planning on giving her in the future... and its ironic... its the same voice thats telling you to leave her... but yet... the same voice that told you she is someone different.... someone that you have been waiting for.... someone who is perfect for you.... what is that voice that some how consumes you into a black, dark, cold, hallway and doesnt let you out until you makev that decision... the decision that is sleepless, thats forceful... and will only let you free once you tell that girl.....its....love....An Undefined Love..... A love that drinks your blood, that consumes your soul.... a love that wont let you free from your sin... a love that chains you to the walls in your mind.... that drives you mad.... I just wish it didnt come to me..... it didnt make me give it all away.... doesnt leave me in the cold.... doesnt cut and freeze my fingers.... doesnt... spit on my face... doesnt...punch me in the gut and walks away... doesnt... slap me till my cheecks turn red... doesnt send cold against my cheeks and makes my tears freeze.... doesnt force me to throw up.... doesnt make me hair turn grey... doesnt... stomp on me and laugh... doesnt walk over me like garbage....just leaves me alone..... just the way i wanted it to be... but without pain... suffering.... and tears.....

You feel like everything you told her has just turned into garbage... and its because thats exactly what happened.... You feel like you have wasted your time with her..... after everything you told her she goes behind and stabs u in the back? why? revenge? attention? i dont know... you teach her so much about life... and when you and her split up... she goes and does the things you told your self she would never do..... you tell yourself.... is it because i ended it in the wrong way? did she end it wrong? did she run out of hobbies? Who knows...after she ends it with you.... you feel so carefree that it feels your hollow...its like walking in the snow.... and breathing in the cold frosty air... but no steam comes from your mouth when u breath out... leaving no footprints behind you...no voice...no face...nothing...and nobody can see how your feeling. you wish you could tell them.... but they wouldnt understand.. and it would just start to make you bleed inside through every vein, vessel, muscle, bone. Its something uneven, unstable, like throwing up all over your fuckign self cause all u feel like doing is smashing your face through a fucking mirror. But...u dont care... who does.... and even if they did.... why?...drama...hehe....my favorite...who couldnt live with out it....anyone ? anyone ?....its that black shade that covers your light.. the blankets keeping you warm... its the wall blocking your hands from holding each other.... a memory erased...a math question frustrating...and all u can do is just sit there and let it take its course through your head pulseing through every blood cell.... like a splinter in your mind.... driving you mad.... liek a prison... a prison you cannot see, taste, or touch. Something that always stands in your way no matter how many times u try and beat it up, it wont leave you alone...have you ever told yourself what it would be like without her? i do... and you know what... you dont wanna go through that shit... yeah i kno freedom fuck it...its not worth it at all...

After a couple weeks of your "amazing freedom" you tell yourself. What am i doing... why am i putting her through this... why did i break away the commitment i promised her..was it for the best? or for different girls to bang? no you fucked it all up and now u cant get her back.. cause your an idiot... your stupid.. and no one around you is going to help you. the only thing you can do is try your best to get her back.... but it all depends on is she loves you just as much as 2 hours ago...days ago....weeks ago...months ago...you have nothing else to do except hurt yourself... and try and feel the pain u put her through....but no pain on an arm nor leg can even up to a heart... you cant stitch a heart back together unless you truly tell her that u love her... you cant rebuild a heart like puzzle pieces...nor lego... its not that simple... its to complicated... its to...risky... can u take her hand again without hurting her? can you kiss her and tell her every night that you love her without an IF or BUT running through your head? what about the hand your holding. or her side your gripping...what about her soft cheeks you touch after every kiss. what about her breathe flowing down your neck as you hold her close.. keeping her away from that danger... theres so many things to be responcible with when u take her hand through those black hallways... the real question that you must ask yourself is... can you walk through those hallways without fear? without regret? without ...her? you know she is the one for you when no matter what situation your in... she will always be there... be there when u had a hard day...be there when u cant get that question in math.... be there when all u can tell yourself is that your stupid.... be there even when u hurt her more.... be there to tell you everything is going to be ok.... how can u not live with that? now thats why u ask yourself.... was all of that realli worth loosing? over nothing?????? its so stupid.... now you cant even look at yourself in the mirror because your so disapointed in those red shot eye burning with every blink cause u just finished having a spaz attack. next time why dont you ask yourself. think about it.. should i give it all up for something new? well guess what your not missing out on much. maybe a new girl telling you all she wants is it get in your pants. maybe you find that awesome. but later on when your fooling around with her ask your self this: is she doing this to me because she lieks me for me? or likes me for my display....




Dawson No More