Signs That You are Too Drunk
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. Your job is interfering with your drinking.
3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5. You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
6. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
7. Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
8. You can focus better with one eye closed.
9. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
10. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
11. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
12. At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'
13. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
14. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
15. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..
16. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and Women
17. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
18. Fat chicks looks good.
19. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
20. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
21. I'm as sober as a judge.
22. The shrubbs drunk from too frequent watering.
23. When you tell a cop you cant grab your license without him holding your beer.
24. When you've been hugging the toilet for 2 weeks straight.
25. When u say to a cop, "Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does."
26. When your morning coffee has 3 oz of baileys in it every day.
27. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
WARNINGS FOR ALCHOHOL
1) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
6) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
8 ) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
9) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
10) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
11) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, and more handsome than some really, really big guy named Franz.
12) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you are invisible.
13) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
14) WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear
-On your first date you had to ask your dad to borrow the keys to the tractor
-Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
-If you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".
-Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
-You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
-You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
-Your pickup has a two-tone paint job-- primer red and primer gray.
-You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
-You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
-You can change the oil in your truckwithout ducking your head.
-You're a lite beer drinker 'cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light.
-You think the stock market has a fence around it.
-You own a homemade fur coat.
-Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
-The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year.
-YOUR IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER.
-Anyone in your family died rightafter saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".
-Your wife's job requires herto wear an orange vest.
-You have the local taxidermist'snumber on speed dial.
-They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools
-You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
-The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
-You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
-That billboard that says, "SAY NO TO CRACK" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
-Your high school basketball game got rained out.
-You have a close relative named "Cletus".
-You've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.
-You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.
-Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People"
-When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God.
-You've painted a car with house paint.
-You ever named a child after a dog.
-You have more belt-buckles than pants.
-You removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.
-YOU'VE EVER COME HOME AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE ACROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH.
-You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.
-You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company
-Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
-You got stopped by a state trooper. He asked you if you had an I.D. And you said, 'Bout What?'
-Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks
-If you can burp and say your name at the same time, you're shur'nuff a redneck.
-You think Possum is "The Other White Meat"
-You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
-You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.
-The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.
-You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
-You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
-Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.
-You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
-You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
-You and your dog use the same tree.
-You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
-You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
-Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
-You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
-You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
-Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.
-Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.
-The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors
-Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
-You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call..."
-You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took
-Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She lernt to readin'.
-You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
-You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."
-You take a six-pack cooler to church.
-You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
-You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
-You have a rag for a gas cap.
-The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
-Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
-You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
-A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
40 Things Never Said By A Redneck.........
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
1. Copy and Paste in your blog
2. Bold anything true
3. Leave plain anything untrue
I hate my name.
I miss somebody right now.
I watch more tv than I used to.
I love olives.
I love sleeping.
I own alot of books.
I wear glasses or contact lenses .
I love to play video games.
I have been in a threesome.
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I like and respect Al Sharpton.
I curse alot.
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I have a hobby
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I've never broken anyone else's bones.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
I love rain.
Had a crush on someone at least 2 years older than you
Had a crush on someone at least 2 years younger than you
Im REALLY paranoid.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I have kissed someone of the same seI talk really, really fast.
I have minty fresh breath in the morning.
I have semi-long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas!
I have at least two brothers and sisters.
I was born outside of Australia. ...canada is outside australia, yes....
I shave my legs.
I have a twin.
I am actually wasting time doing this thing.
I couldnt survive without Caller I.D ..I dont answer the phone if i can't see the caller I.D.
I like the way I look
I have friends.
I know how to do cornrows.
I am very pessimistic.
I think Britney Spears is pretty/hot.
I have cheated on a significant other.
I have a hidden talent.
Im always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have dyed my hair.
I have kissed someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
I love to shop.
I would rather eat than shop.
I would classify myself as ghetto.
have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
Im obsessed with my blog!
I dont hate anyone .
Im a decent dancer.
I'm embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I have never been in a real, serious relationship before.
Ive rejected someone before.
I currently have a crush on someone.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
Ive had the cops called on me before.
I bite my nails.
I have allergies.
I've been depressed before.
I am bisexual.
I am homosexual.
I collect comic books
I shut others out when I'm sad.
I open up to others easily.
I am keeping a secret from the world.
I watch the news
I own over 5 rap CDs.
I like Disney movies!
I am a sucker for pretty eyes.
I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.
I love Martha Stewart.
I really love someone. -- family and friends count right? – Yes they do.
I am self conscious
I like to laugh a lot.
I smoke a pack a day.
I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
I can't swallow pills.
I have scars.
I've been out of this country.
I am really ticklish.
I hate chocolate.
I am comfortable with being me
I play computer games/video games when I'm bored.
Gotten lost in the city.
Saw a shooting star.
Had serious surgery.
Hugged a stranger.
Been in a fist fight with the same sex.
Been in a fist fight with the opposite sex.
Been arrested, Or Close , or Ran Away.
Laughed and had milk/soda come out of your nose.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
Made out in an elevator.
Kicked a guy where it hurts.
Been skydiving.
Been bungee jumping.
Broken a bone.
Played spin the bottle.
Gotten the chicken pox.
Ridden in a taxi.
Shoplifted
Been fired.
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
Stole something from your job.
Had a crush on a teacher/coach.
Saw someone dying.
Driven over 400 miles in one day.
Been on a plane.
Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Thrown up in a bar.
Consider yourself Cool.
Eaten Sushi.
Met someone in person from the internet-and became good friends.
Been to a motocross show.
Done hard drugs.
Taken painkillers.
Saw Bucks Fizz in concert.
Consumed alcohol.
Run away from home.
Lied to your parents about where you are.
Hate more than love.
Own an iPod or MP3 player.
Are a sports fanatic.
Would wear pyjamas to school.
Have a job.
tYpE lIkE tHiS VeRy OfFtEn
Eat fast food weekly.
Have self-inflicted scars.
Believe in ghosts.
Can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
Seen a therapist.
Love white chocolate
Single.
In a relationship.
Kissed a stranger.
Been obsessed with another person.
Argued for the fun of it.
Made out in a moving vehicle.
Been to a casino.
Been in a bar.
Skipped school.
Been punched.
I see things that aren’t there.
Been naked in public. only for asecond
Come close to death.
Gotten stitches.
Hooked up with 2 or more people in one night while drunk.
Hooked up with 2 or more people in one night without alcohol.
Bitten someone.
Crashed into a friend's car.
Been to Japan.
Ever had a crush on someone of the same sex.
Been married.
I believe everything happens for a reason.
Had someone cheat on you.
Over dosed. on booze
Have hated your life.
Have no one who cares.
(x) - done
(_) - haven't done
(_) ever smoked marijuana
(x) been drunk
(_) made out with a member of the same sex
(_) crashed a friend's car
(_) stolen a car
(x) played mailbox baseball
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(_) shoplifted
(_) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) kicked someone's butt
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(_) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(_) ever dated someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(_) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
(x) stole something from my job
(_) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(_) had a crush on a teacher
(_) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
(_) slept with a co-worker
(_) been married
(_) gotten divorced
(_) had children
(x) had sex
(_) seen someone die
(x) slapped someone I loved
(_) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
(x) Been to Canada
(_) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) Thrown up in a bar
(x) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
(_) Been moshing at a concert
(_) been in an abusive relationship
(_) been pregnant or got someone pregnant
(x) gone to college
(_) graduated college
(_) tried killing yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(_) walked a tightrope along train tracks
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
(_) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(_) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
(_) used a fake id
(x) gone ice skating
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(_) ridden on a camel
(x) climbed a mountain
(x) played clue
(x) had a sleepover
(x) been tickled
(_) seen a UFO
(x) told a lie
(x) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) been fishing
(x) snuck into a movie
(x) petted a goat
(x) won a contest
(x) been to a zoo
(x) seen your dad cry
(x) ran a red light
(x) been suspended from school
(_) been in a car accident
(_) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
(x) had deja vu
(x) touched a starfish
(x) danced in the moonlight
(_) hated the way you look
(x) jousted/sword fought/jedi light thingys
(x) witnessed a crime
(_) been spit on by a llama
(_) REALLY pole danced
(x) met anyone famous
(x) questioned your heart
(_) been to jail 1 night +
(x) laughed during a sad scene in a movie/tv show
(x) played with an etch a sketch
(x) hated your computer
(x) owned a pet
(x) made a banana-split
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) had a midnight picnic
