B.K. Manning says:
I figure I'll pay it forward. everything evens out in the end right?
anxiety says:
its supposed to
anxiety says:
but is the end too late for it to matter?
B.K. Manning says:
maybe you should take philosophy.
anxiety says:
i can only be dreamy like that when it doesnt matter.
anxiety says:
my teacher says i suffer severly from teenage disillusionment
anxiety says:
i think thats either spot on or total shit
B.K. Manning says:
i think teenage disillusionment was a 90s thing.
anxiety says:
hopefully! i wasnt a teenager then.
B.K. Manning says:
i suffer from toddler disillusionment
i am a vampire i am a vampire iamavampireiamavampire i have lost my fangs.
we need to accept and embrace partiality, multiplicity, randomness, incoherency and uncertainty. we need to live.
so whats the low down, the skinny, the scoop?
that sneaky motherfucker has up and flown the coop.
Oh the sisters of mercy, they are not departed or gone.
They were waiting for me when I thought that I just can't go on.
And they brought me their comfort and later they brought me this song.
Oh I hope you run into them, you who've been travelling so long.
Yes you who must leave everything that you cannot control.
It begins with your family, but soon it comes around to your soul.
Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned:
When you're not feeling holy, your loneliness says that you've sinned.
Well they lay down beside me, I made my confession to them.
They touched both my eyes and I touched the dew on their hem.
If your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
they will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
When I left they were sleeping, I hope you run into them soon.
Don't turn on the lights, you can read their address by the moon.
And you won't make me jealous if I hear that they sweetened your night:
We weren't lovers like that and besides it would still be all right,
We weren't lovers like that and besides it would still be all right.
-Leonard Cohen
"you're ideal, you're a waste"
It wasn't what he said,
but the air with which he said it.
And though he'd been this way forever,
he never felt more alone.
The stale flask at his hip
had been empty for years,
But time still churned on,
turning his beard gray to white,
and his brow wrinkled and dry.
But men like him dont die.
Accidental polygamy. Ain't it a trip?
secretly i wake
under sun and out of sight
your body is mine.
i seriously hate everything right now.
the pressure i am under is too much for me to handle. I know i am intelligent, i know i could do amazing things with my life. but every day, every fucked up test, i see my future slipping away from me. I honestly think i might not get into the courses i want to get into. i am stopping and rethinking my entire lifes goals and choices. I just want to run away. hop a fucking train to Mississippi and pick cotton for the rest of my life. and never look back. sitting in class, all i can think about is putting a fucking barrel in my mouth and pulling the trigger. my throat is raw as if i have been screaming for hours, but i havent. i want to throw up. I almost burst into tears sitting in chemistry today. the reality of life is hitting me in the face. and the reality is that i cant handle the heat in this fucking kitchen. i think my "childhood" ended this week.
i want everything to be over.
Rest your head on a pillow made of pavement
Lie awake and wonder where the day went
Dream a dream that's sadder in your head
Try to kill a friend but you kill yourself instead
I'm sick of living
but I'm not too fond of death
Make a wish you know will not come true
The only one you love is sick of you
The only one you hate don't hate you back
Get up off your knees and take a step into the black
I'm sick of dying
but I'm not too fond of rest
I'm sick of loving
and thank god it's fading fast
I would love to love you but i never ever will
I know that it's all you want, you'll never have your fill
It's too late to save me so why don't you save yourself
Pick up all your things and put them back upon the shelf
I'm sick of living
but I'm not too fond of death
I'm sick of dying
but im not too fond of rest
I'm sick of loving
and thank god it's fading fast
yeah thank god its fading fast
i woke up at about 8:30
then i said "fuck this" and i went to sleep for another 2 hours or so.
when i awoke again, i layed in bed as long as i could, until the urge to urinate was too strong to ignore. after emptying my bladder, i had a large bowl of honey nut cheerios. then i drove my brother to the ferry terminal.
this is basically where the things end.
i get home at around 12:15. im not hungry enough for lunch, because i had basically just eaten breakfast. so, as if i hadnt had enough sleep yet, i had a nap on the couch, after realizing there was nothing on tv worth watching. at around 2:30, me and my dad watched Rushmore. this was the third time i had watched this film in the past week. But it was still highly entertaining. I had lunch at like 4.30 and dinner at like 7 or later, i dont really know. dinner was fairly bland leftovers, but food is food.
thank god im going to victoria tomorrow, because another nothing day like this would surely kill me of boredom.
if you're playing music, dont go "la la la" if you hate the world. go "RA RA RA!"
i really wish i had a dog who looked and acted like i did. like one of those fido commercials.
that would be awesome.
