HILARIOUS JOKES AND QUOTES
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

Favorite Dane cook quotes!
Not So Kool-Aid
"I'll tell you what dream used to scare me the most when i was growing up as a littile kid it used to give me nightmares... remember the kool-aid commercials?that giant talkin bowl of punch..he would come crashing through your fucking wall in your living room...you wouldn't even know just BOOM! O YEAH O YEAH...and all the little kids were all excited and would be like YES YES..then they would drink out of him after debris fell in his big dumb open head...he would pour himself...O YEAH O YEAH..him and his crazy tights...i dont like that when my juice wears tights..Fuck drinking out of him i would be like no no no you fix that wall before my dad gets home from work..he's going to beat me with a belt he's not going to believe a talking bowl of punch came through here...you stupid idiot...ya coming through the wall is real fucking cool, using teh front door is cool Don't touch me you drink, don't touch me you giant beverage.. you are sweating or condensating i will kick you in the tights and you will go down your very top heavy.. you glass bitch.. you glass bastard.. O YEAH O NO!

Pick a Number Please

when to school growing up with a couple of my sisters.. that was alright.. do you remmeber they had those little paper things?
pick a number please... 4 1 2 3 4
pick a color please... p u r p l e
he he he your a faggot

Monopoly

i had monoply.. everyone had it.. nobody liked it.. even if you think you liked it you didn't..
ill tell you why, cuz this is you 2 hours into a game of monopoly
BOOM! Fuck this game
it's 4 in the morning grandma you win
i'm sittin on Baltic with crack
im paying luxury taxes out the ass
and i hate when your the banker, where'd you get the pink fifties from you cheating whore??
don't fucking touch me grandpa, NANA is a cheating whore!
i should cut your head off with this little doggy