well, i guess its time for another unloading from the inner depths of my mind,
the unleashing of all my thoughts from the past while since my last rant.
lots of things have happened, yet very little has happened at the same time, i admit the bottle definately is a major factor in my personality, and it usually decides what i'm going to do with my days, whether i want to be social for a day, or to keep myself secluded within this little world i've created within my head, where nothing hurts.
i'll admit this little world is my favorite place to be, i can create images of the life i want, create my perfect relationship, and sometimes these images feel so real, or else i want them to be real so badly, that i can almost clearly picture it all together with my real life, but of course its never a perfect harmony, there are still missing pieces, that i can't figure out, i can't see what i'm missing but i know its there
i dont know where exactly i'm going with this really, it all just came out before i could stop. guess that shows how very little i let ppl know about my mind. i'll admit i do try to let ppl in and trust them with myself, but i don't try hard enough or else i try too hard maybe. i'm very unsure of how i'm supposed to carry myself around others, i'm unsure of how much of a pushover i should be or how strong i'm supposed to act, what emotions i'm allowed to show, or should show, should i talk about myself or ask about them? do they care enough to hear my stupid stories that i find amusing, do i care enough to let them cry on my shoulder?
i never really know what i'm feeling, or how to show it, how do you sympathize with someone? how do you show compassion? how do you let someone know you want to spend time with them without seeming clingy? do you seem clingy to others when you feel you are doing so? these questions and many more run through my head anytime i even consider the possiblities of gaining real friends, i don't want to push ppl away but at the same time i don't want anyone to get too close to me. i definately am not the type to need someone around constantly do need my space, but its nice when there is someone to be around when i need a laugh, or i just want to hear someone else's voice instead of mine in my head.
i can understand why its easy for me to push ppl away, because if i could i'd push myself away, but i'm the one person i can't escape. its quite a confusing thought, why do i repel ppl so easily yet i ache inside because when i try i can draw some ppl into my care-free land of laughter and jokes, and these ppl could possibly want me around for extended periods of time, yet i don't after a while all i could ask for is them to leave me alone, at least until the next day or next week lol.
i really don't understand myself at all. i know there's a very small chance anyone i know will read my ranting but if they do then i'd like to apologize for pushing you away, and not being a very good person to be around at times, and then having those very few and far apart days when i'm funny and a person you like being around, i'll try and figure myself out. Thank you for being my friends and giving me a chance, that means more to me than you can believe, i hold a great respect for you all, and i wish you happiness
