Dear Everyone,
This is the start to my "letter", it is not going to be like any of my other "letter"'s. This is going to be for real. I know that I cannot do this anymore, and I'm sorry that I am just going to give up. But I would love for everyone else to just, for one day, be in my shoes. I want them to share the same thoughts as me, because if they did, then maybe they would understand why I am doing this. I am not doing it because I am selfish. I really tried to put it off as long as possible. I love so many people, and I hate that they are going to hurt from this. But just think of it as, I went on a trip and decided not to come back, because where I went I was actually happy, and accepted. People never hurt, I get to look after Maddy. I get to finally meet my grandpa. At this moment, I am not really that depressed, but that is only because I know that I will finally be out of pain. I won't have to deal with anymore pain. Whether it is physical or phsycological.
Mom, I know that you have always been there for me, you have tried so hard to help me get better, and it worked, I was really happy for about a month. But I just couldn't be happy anymore, so it seemed. Happiness is key to a good life. You can never ever think that anything is ever your fault. Because it is really not. I love you so much, you did everything you could to keep me alive for as long as you can. It just stopped working after a while. You care so much, I know that. And even when I am a complete bitch, you still wanted to be there and still tried to help. You are really the best mother that I could ever think of having. You weren't too lennient or too strict. You were perfect. You are my best friend, even though it never seemed like that. You really are. You will find the perfect man who will finally treat you right, I know it. I want you to know that the reason I stayed so long was for you. You have to stop being so sad. You need to go out tonight. You need to get out, you can use the twenty dollars in my purse if you really want to. I don't mind. Please send those bracelettes and necklaces to Paige. You can call her and ask her for her address. I want to wear the other bracelette and necklace, since they are best friend things, I want to be buried with it. You need to tell Paige what happend, too mom. I know that is going to be hard, but she needs to know.
Dad, I know that we get along better then we do with other people. We have alot more in common then most people do with their kids. I don't know how well you are going to take this, you seemed the most confused about this. But that could be because you never had to actually deal with me doing all of this, you seemed to always want to keep it a secret, like if you don't belive it then it wasn't happening. But I'm sorry to say, it was happening. I'm sorry that I was like this. I wish I could be your guys' dream daughter. I really do. I wish I could have gotten straight "A"'s, I wish that I never had sex, I wish that I never went to the hospital. I wish that I was perfect, I tried really hard, you have no idea how hard I tried. It didn't seem like I was trying, but I was trying so hard. I did so much more that I knew I couldn't do. But I tried everything to make you guys happy. You were a great father, dad. You always were there, you always wanted to spend time with me. You always wanted to come home just to see me. You are magnificant.
Cheryl, I know that we have had our rough times, but we seemed to actually get through it. Even when I really didn't like you, and I don't think you liked me either, we still ended up being close. I don't know what happend, it seemed that we started getting closer more at the begining of June. Which was great, I loved being able to finally end the battle. Maybe it was just me, but I felt it was both ways. But what happend before, I just didn't like taking orders from the "new woman" in my dads life. But I learned to deal, and now I really do love you. You are a awesome mom. And you are fun to joke around with, too.
Jamie, although we have fought so much, that is just what sisters do. You were always here when I was sad, even though I never really let you know what was bothering me. I don't think I ever could, you are very stubburn my dear. But that is how you are, I know and accepted it. But it seemed like everything that I said to you you had to fight me about it, or you just never quite understood. But it was good, I knew that you do care. You just didn't understand. You havn't gone through what I have. Which might not be much from what you think, but it really is a whole lots more then anyone in the world will ever know. I wish you could crawl inside my mind and know how jumbled everything is in there. I love you Jamjam, I hope that you still get the tattoo. I wish I could have been just a little older so that I could get it with you. Your present for your birthday is on the chair, you always took my boots, so I got you a pair for yourself. I don't know if they will fit, I sure hope that they do.
Kyle, I love you bro, you were probably the one sibling that I told absolutely everything to, mainly because we have always been so alike. I always want to stick up for you. Whenever a girl messes with you I want to mess with their face! It just seems like the right thing to do. I want you to never let anyone mess with your emotions again, because that is just RUDE. You're my little brother, you need to be treated with love and respect. I would haunt anyone who ever hurts your heart. I will haunt you too if you want. Just mess with your video games, throw a few books at you. Maybe cheat books for your games, to help you out.
Dion, I know that we have hardly ever talked, you were like a brother/dad the way you acted with me. I think you yelled at me more then anyone. And I listened to you more then anyone. You have that tone in your voice that just scares me. But then you are the funniest kid I have ever met, too. You are going to make a terrific dad one day, Dion. I really hope that day does happen. You are an amazing brother, you were always there looking out for Jam and I. Beat up any boys who hurts us, although you never actually did beat them up, but it's the thought that counts. I love you big bro.
Paigey, I love you so much, and you know that. You know that I stayed as long as I could. And even though we stopped being so close, that doesn't make me love you any less. You still mean to world to me. I will take care of Maddy, I want you to keep going. Go ask Ambuur to live with her, or something. I want you to be around people you can love and trust. I don't ever want to hurt you, that is why I didn't want to do this. I want you to be okay soon. I want you to know that you can always think about me. I will always be there for you. I am going to crawl inside your heart, I can be there, I will be the reason your heart beats. It will be my trampoline. Everytime it beats, is whenever I jump on it. So as long as your heart is beating, you know that I am still with you. I will be closer then you would ever imagine.
Ambuur, thank you so much for always being here for me. You were like another big sister to me. I could talk to you about nearly anything, you would never jugde me, you could get disappointed, but never would you say "oh that is wrong". You are going to be the most succesful person that I have ever talked to, I think. You and Sean will work it out. You are going to be a great mommy, it will happen eventually. I know that it will. I will make it work. Thank you for always making me smile, and always being here for me. I love you so much.
Kristy, you have been one of my best friends on and off for 4 years. That is the longest friendship that actually stayed close I think I have ever had, you are so awesome. I love you more then anything. You deserve to be happy, you are the best person I have ever met. People need to accept the way you are, because once they do, they realize how amazing you are. You are the best friend a person can get. You drop anything for them. Even if you "hated" them at the moment, you would always still be there for them. We have had our ups and downs, but they never seem to take place once we are back to being happy again. I have had the best moments of my life while being with you. We have hung out and been so incredibly stupid with eachother. Can you make a video for everyone to see? You have all the videos of me being stupid, you have most of my pictures, if you need anymore, just ask my mom. I know that it will be hard, but I want you to do that. You can even make the music that goes with it "Someone's Watching Over Me", because you know I am going to be watching over you, Kist. I know you will rock at it. I hope that grad is amazing for you, love. You are going to look so gorgeous in your dress. I will see you there.
Austin, or in my words Austii-Poo or Austina, I am sorry that I made you seem like an asshole. You were going to drive all the way here, just to see me. Just to make me happy. You wanted to spend forever with me, and even though I said no, I want to be friends, you accepted that and told me when and if I was ever ready. Thank you for always being someone I can trust. You are always going to be in my heart. And I know that I will always be in yours, babe.
Cathii, you know, I have always spelt your name like that, no matter how you prefered to spell it, it is like a Megan thing. I love you, Cathii, you are the most gorgeous, amazing, helpful, caring, funny person that I have ever met. You always seem to make me smile. I know that you are going to find your Prince Charming, and he will be SMOKIN'! I will personally pick him out for you, and send him. I will ship him from Japan or something. Maybe New Zealand. Then he will be a hot surfer dude. Just the way you will like it.
Everyone else, if I didn't write something about you, that doesn't mean that I don't care, because I still love so many more people. It's just that these were the people who were always there for me. They always knew what to do, what to say. I love all of my family. Especially Grandma and Grandpa Cowling and Danny.
There are things that I have decided about my funeral, but everything else, I want you to figure it out, try to make it not so depressing, I mean, think, I am finally going to be happy. I want to wear the purple dress and leggings that I picked out for grad. I want to wear my Ballerina slippers from La Chateuo. I want these two songs to be played, if not, I will be mad: Here's Everything I've Always Meant To Say-JamisonParker and The Way She Feels-Between The Trees. You can play any other song, as long as it isn't country, I want the music to resemble me, because you know as well as I, that music is my everything. You should proabbly get Jordan to pick out any other music, he seems to know me best with my music. I want you all to read happy things about me that make you laugh. I want Kristy's video that she will make to be played. At anytime, I want it to be played. I want everyone to just move on from this, I want you guys to know it's better this way, I don't want to hurt everyday. If you knew, you would agree that it is better this way. Maybe at first, you won't see it. But eventually you have to know. I love you.
Love Megan Michelle Cowling.
I remember when the cops showed up at the door after this, I was really angry and confused. How the heck did they know? Or was it just bad timing? Yeah, it wasn't bad timing, Ambuur sent my mom a message and she called the cops because she was too scared to go home. When I think back to this I really feel terrible for my mom. How could I put her through so much crap? I couldn't imagine having to go through it, or see my own child go through it. I think that it is a feeling that will never go away for her, and I think that even though I was the calmest and least rebellios child, my mom would have much preffered me to go through the crap that my brother and sister went through.
For this being just over three years ago, I think that I have changed quite a bit. Honestly, the reason for my dramatic changes are because of Cayden. I finally got the one thing in life that I have always wanted and just like I told tens of people, he saved my life. I remember always going to my Psychiatrist's offices and telling them "if I could have a baby, I know that my whole life would be different. I would be a happy person", and today, now that Cayden is almost two, I am genuinly a very happy person. Having down days are common, but not as common as they were. I never have feelings that life would be better if I were just not here, I never have any feelings that I am not good enough. I feel that I am a very good mother, which I knew I would be. It is the one thing that I am proud to say that I am good at.
I have come so far from this mess of a child that I was. I am in college, been living on my own, by myself, supporting my child and every-so-often some bums for over a year. I have never had a problem knowing what I should be doing with my life now. I know what I am doing is on the right path. And I am quite proud of myself for accomplishing so much, and never giving up, even when things get really rough. I have really gotten to know the person that I am and am almost at peace with the way my life.
