Have you ever sat back and wondered why you’ve felt affection for a certain person? I, myself, have spent countless hours sitting and wondering what in the world could have caused me to have feelings towards certain people in my life. So, being the curious and self-educating person that I am, I researched it. I found many surprises in my studies, and would like to share them with everyone who’s ever stayed up late at night wondering about the cause of their unceasing, and sometimes confusing, emotions.
First of all, let us start with the basics. “Love” is often used instead of the word “affection”. Obviously, unless you’re in an old school black and white movie, you’re not going to say corny sentences like, “I have so much affection for you.” I think you’d be rather “weirded out” if that came out of your mouth. Affection is defined by the Random House Dictionary as "disposition or state of mind or body.” We, however, won’t get into the grimy details of that till later. However, as a matter of fact, this small detail will come into play greatly later on in this article.
What is love, though? Well, the vague description of “love” is strong, indescribable feelings for another person. However, even this vast explanation has many meanings underlying in it. The word “love” can refer to a large assortment of dissimilar emotions, or states of mind. These go from pleasure to powerful “interpersonal attraction”. Another thing we’ll get into later on in the article.
Now, let’s get onto the hairy details. There’s the obvious aspect of chemistry to it. No, I’m not talking about the “chemistry” you hear being shared between two people; I’m talking about literal science. According to research scientists, there are three stages of love in total.
The first stage is what we like to call “lust”. This is just a fancy way of saying you want to be physical with a person. Physical does not only mean you want to have intercourse with them, it mean’s a wide variety of things. This includes cuddling, hand-holding, you know, the basic stuff, as well as the serious stuff.
The second stage is “attraction”. Current studies in a lovely thing called neuroscience have shown that as people fall into the second stage of love, attraction, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals. These chemicals include pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. This is where things get complicated. For those who don’t know what these are, here’s an explanation.
Pheromones are chemicals from the body that have different effects and uses throughout the animal kingdom. The only thing we need to know about them right now, is that they are sometimes used in animals to attract a mate. So, you may be attracting the person you’re attracted too, without even knowing it!
Dopamine is a “neurotransmitter”, basically meaning when it’s in your body it tells your brain to do certain things. Dopamine can affect, most importantly, your mood, sleep, and attention. So, when you’re lying in bed at night, not able to sleep, and you think it’s because you can’t stop thinking about that certain somebody, it’s really just because your attraction to them has caused a release of dopamine in your body. Sorry to burst your “cliché bubble”.
Norepinephrine has the role of controlling the way you react to things. Higher levels of this chemical in the body would most likely make you react more easily to everything. Over-reacting is a symptom that you’ve entered the second stage of love.
Serotonin, a well-known chemical, is often used in “upper” drugs. This little bugger of a chemical gives you the feeling of happiness. The more of it there is in your body, the happier you feel all over.
All of these stimulate what scientists call the brain’s “pleasure center.” Every single one of these things leads to what scientists would call “side-effects.” The “side-effects” are as follows. Inability to sleep, loss of appetite, increased heart-rate, and an intense feeling of excitement. Therefore telling us that, in fact, that fluttery nervous feeling we get, is just a combination of all of the above. Once again, I’m sorry to burst your cliché bubble.
Lust and attraction are both considered to be temporary stages. The last stage, attachment, is considered to only be present in long term relationships. The bonding that happens between the two people over a long period of time allows them to reach this stage of “love” and become attached to one another enough to stay in the relationship for the years to come. Usually this third stage is based on something solid, like having children, or getting married. This stage also causes your body to have higher levels of oxytocin and vasopressin. That’s just more chemical mumbo-jumbo.
Lastly, there’s the component of psychology that you all knew would come up sooner or later. Psychologists have categorized the different types of love, using Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s “triangular theory of love.” The amount of love you have towards someone depends on which aspects of the triangle you have in your relationship.
The triangle has three different aspects. I bet you could have easily guessed how many there would be. By mixing the three facets together, we can come up with eight different varieties of love. The more facets you incorporate into your relationship, the stronger it is. However, before we get too deep into that subject, let me tell you about the three parts that we’re looking at.
First off the list is intimacy. Intimacy is defined as “having a close acquaintance or friendship with someone” in the Oxford English Dictionary. This is quite a vague description of the word. Basically, it means you feel comfortable and close to a person. It is obviously shown in romantic relationships, but is also found in close friendships as well. Sharing “intimate details” with someone is an obvious form of intimacy.
Second on the list is commitment. Commitment is found in short-term and long-term relationships. In short-term relationships it is the mutual decision to remain loyal to one another. In long-term relationships it is plans that you make, and fulfill in the relationship, together. Either way, commitment means that you both think that the relationship is a permanent thing.
Lastly, and most commonly, is passion. Passion is also related to sexual attraction. This eventually leads to some kind of physical interaction, and attraction, with, and to, one another. A famous quote is that “love is an activity, not simple a feeling.” This is true if you’re passionate about each other.
Next, we go into the forms of love that come from these three features of “love”. We have eight in total, if you’ve forgotten from above. These include: non-love, liking/friendship, infatuated love, empty love, romantic love, companionate love, fatuous love, and consummate love.
First off is non-love. This is certainly simple enough to describe. It is the absence of all three aspects of love.
Secondly we have liking/friendship. Don’t think that this is insignificant at all, because it has a huge importance in our lives. The bonds we feel with our friends come from this kind of love. However, it is not usually a long-term commitment kind of thing. The only facet of love involved in liking/friendship is intimacy.
Thirdly is infatuated love. This is easily described in layman’s terms as “lovesick”. The only facet of love in infatuated love is passion. Romantic relationships usually start off as infatuated love and may eventually become romantic love if intimacy develops. However, without intimacy or commitment being included in the mix, infatuated love will eventually wear out.
Next we have empty love. This type of love only involves commitment, with the absence of intimacy and passion. This is most commonly found in arranged marriages, but can change over time. It can also start off as a different type of love, and eventually just become empty as people change. That’s why you shouldn’t get married too soon.
Up next is romantic love. This is a bond people share with one another. It is developed if two people are intimate and passionate together, meaning they’re both physical and emotional, but without commitment.
Then there’s companionate love. It utilizes intimacy and commitment, with the absence of passion. This means that a couple is close with one another, and they are in fact in romantic relationship, but do not become physical with one another. This is usually found in younger people who have chosen to save sex for marriage. This can also be found in marriages where the couple has lost an attraction to one another, but still remains in “love” because of the years they have spent together.
Second to last is fatuous love. Fatuous can also be described in synonyms like “stupid” or, more closely to the actuality of the term, “meaningless”. This is where a couple is physical with one another through passion, and has a commitment to one another, but no intimacy is present.
Lastly, but certainly not least, is consummate love. Consummate is a fancy word for “ideal” or “perfect”. This love incorporates all three types of love. It is only found in the strongest of relationships. People who have this kind of relationship are said to be a “perfect couple”. This type of love is not easy to acquire, and few actually do come to find it. Once you’ve found this kind of love, it is also very hard to keep. If an aspect of love is lost, it will become just another of the 7 types of incomplete love.
In conclusion, hopefully this article was helpful in helping you come to an understanding about love, since nobody ever seems to know exactly what it is. Consider carefully what kind of love you have in your relationship, and what you can do to make it complete in due time. A final note to the readers, it is said that “love” is actually just an imbalance of endogenous opioid polypeptide compounds produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates, just to burst your last cliché bubble.
