Oh I feel so gross. My throat is on fire and I can barely breathe. That being said I did kiiiinda wanna go out tonight since it's the last night I could hang out with Derek before he goes back to army-land. Stupid boyfriend and making plans and then not following them and then not letting anyone know until we text him 3 times and then call. Stupid. But anyways Derek, I don't know him well but that kid has definitely grown on me. And Christie (sp?) is also really fun. I appreciate cute blonde girls who like to party and ride horses. Speaking of which one of those seems to have moved into my house because her parents have gone AWOL. Which is AWESOME. A sister I actually like, life's looking up. On another hand... There is a conversation I need to have that I'm really not looking forward too. Actually there are 2. Man thats why I love my life... Nothing ever happens. -__- <--- For those who can't catch the sarcasm.
I think I'm frustrated. I stayed up until 5:30AM watching Crocodile Hunter episodes and Danny Bhoy comedy routines last night. Life is being boring, I want to go do something but its raining... Why is it raining in August? I'm a tad insulted by this. Perhaps I'll go hiking. Quarry rock is large.. I haven't been there in a while. Or maybe I'll just do a puzzle or something.
It's weird. I have a boyfriend, some friends, even some really good friends, and some semblance of a family. I have dogs, cats, and horses (although not my horse), and pretty much everything I could want.
But there are some days where despite everything I feel so lonely, like right now. I dunno. I think I could be going crazy... Well crazier. I guess I can't claim sanity when I'm still in therapy, which is doing nothing for me anymore.
I don't usually cry easily, but the last three nights I cry at almost every movie I watch. It's pretty pathetic and I don't want to continue on such an odd habit.
It seems like the same problem that I've always thought it was, I need something to be passionate about. To give my life for. Maybe that thing is horses, sometimes it seems like it. But my horse is gone and has been for 2 weeks getting retrained. I feel like it's my fault he needs retraining at all, I let him get away with too much and taught him bad habits. I'm not that great a rider either. Mostly I miss him so much it hurts even though I know I'm kinda scared of him after he ripped open my face.
More than anything though its sad seeing what people I was friends with as a kid turned into. Drunks and sluts and hipsters. I'm not pretending I'm perfect but I'm not taking pictures of empty liquor bottles and people taking a piss or getting changed. Especially since friends, actual friends, are harder and harder to come by. Emo kids, hipsters, and idiots have taken over. And would-be metal-heads who never bathe and smell like a combo of axe and feces (Sterling knows what I mean, thank god for him or I may have shot up the school by now. Just kidding.) The good ones have gone in different directions and we have almost nothing to say to each other now.
Hopefully seeing people tomorrow will cheer me up, but I can't help wondering what will become of us all?
Oh boy, tomorrow I'm going to be busy busy. Thank God things 1-3 can be done during my spare.
1st, to the doctors to see what's wrong with my blood test. (Let's have some AIDS all around?) and to try and fix the fact that my skin is literally blistering and eroding off my legs from wearing pants. Gross. I'm going to slowly wear away.
2nd, to LaLa's home decor to get my mom her Mother's day gift
3rd, to Deep Cove Pharmacy to pick up my pestle and mortar
4th, go to Next for my tattoo consultation! Yay! Oh God I'm terrified XD
5th, go to Granville island to a book store for tarot cards and possibly other things
6th, go to my moms house for dinner, American Idol, and Glee.
Long day. I'm kinda stoked though.
Okay I will admit it. I am a full-time, hard-core, came-in-my-pants-after-hearing-Finn-sing-Hello,-I-Love-You-and-Hello,-Goodbye, crazy Gleek.
I love this show. It brings out the situations which we all go through or watch people go through and make us realize, "Holy shit, I'm not the only one like that. Thank God." But also it's so much more than that, when you think about it, it shows us repeating the mistakes our parents made in the right ways, because every kid needs to make their own. And in other ways it shows where we have changed things for the better and will continue to change them.
"By definition Glee is about opening yourself up to joy." Thats the quote on the picture of Will Schoester's glee club coach which was shown in the first episode and it is totally dead-on. Glee is that little bit of joy that we all have in us, and it uses music, unbelievably great music thats really well put-together and chosen, to bring that joy out in all of us.
These kids are going through everything that could be thrown at them and the weird thing is we all are, not concentrated into an hour long episode, but still the same. Along with all the adversity there is always hope, and thats what keeps this show popular. Even when there isn't much to hope for we're still left at the end of each episode just willing things to work out.
Glee is what America and Canada need right now. It's pure and honest but not truly innocent because nothing really is. I can't put into words the feeling it gives me, I don't think there is a real name for it yet. It's something like joy, but mixed with peace and contentedment, while at the same time eagerness and excitement. Mostly it's a sense of belonging and being a part of something, even if that something is a fictional glee club which is on at 9:30pm every Tuesday.
K seriously, quest-que fuck people?
Why is it that I can be casually mean to someone for the entire time that I've known them and once I actually tell them that I don't like them they're still surprised?
I am a bitch, and as such I happen to be very good at undermining peoples confidence and ripping them limb from limb emotionally. Deal with it.
If you're fat, ugly, clingy, stand-offish, or think you're cool because you spend so much time on 4-chan that you know every internet meme that ever was... Get lost. We aren't friends and the likelihood is I've been using you for something or other, even if its just as a connection to other people.
And you will never know unless I decide to tell you.
Oh sure there are exceptions, there are some people who are fat and beautiful (a rare breed but wonderful when they can be found), or some people who are stand-offish in a way that makes them funny.
People shouldn't be so shocked by this, one of my favorite activities as a child was making people cry if I didn't like them.
Maybe I have built of hatred for the human race as a whole.. Maybe I'm secretly harboring "issues" about one thing or another.
Or maybe you're just irritating and I decided to be up-front about it, you're were just so busy being annoying that you didn't notice.
wow i can't believe how fast the year went by. hope everyone had a good new years and will have a good year in 2010. so far i'm pleased with the way its shaping up.
I fucking HATE ugly people. Straight up, they should all be locked under ground. This is going to be the most offensive and politically incorrect rant ever but I really don't give a fuck. It's Nex.
First of all Ugly is Ugly. Don't even try to compare yourself to someone "eclectic" or "exotic" looking. No, you are just an ugly piece of ass that could get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice and NO ONE WOULD KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
Same thing for being over-weight, I am so sick of hearing people say, "Don't hate me because I'm curvy and most people look like toothpicks." or "I'm big and beautiful, I'm a real woman, nothing wrong with that." Well sweetheart there is curvy, as in natural curves that are healthy. And then there are the huge fucking 250lbs. heifers that think they're J-Lo. Excuse me while I puke.
Another point, there is no such thing as "inner beauty", that is something made up by a self-help book somewhere that was written to help people come to terms with looking like they were violently beaten with an ugly stick. Or in some cases, run over by an ugly dump-truck. In actual fact most people who are flat out gross looking have such a complex about it that they treat everyone like they are beneath them. Does it make sense to you that bitchy women who are too lazy to get their act together and live a healthy life should look down on the people who are living healthily and therefore generally look good? Um.. NO, that's ridiculous. Why would society reward someone for being unhealthy and ugly on top of that? We wouldn't, hence models, actresses, singers, and dancers are gorgeous and they are the ones spending time in the limelight.
Congratulations to those people that are comfortable with the fact that they look nasty and could fix it but are too damn lazy or wrapped up in their emo/scene or whatever other fad ugly people tend to flock to lately. Not saying there aren't a few good looking scene kids, some of them are utterly stunning. Unfortunately the majority are colour-clashing, greasy, smelly, awkward, depressing, and straight up annoying. No one cares how many times you dyed your hair, or how many hickies you got this weekend, IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU BADASS, YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT.
Someone is probably thinking, "Why all the emphasis on looking good? If I'm happy with myself then isn't that enough?" Well maybe... But there are a lot of reasons why looking good can be helpful.
1. You're healthy. When I say look good I don't mean starve yourself, there are lots of reasonable diets and exercise programs as well as stylists that can help you find a look that hides the bad features and brings out the good.
2. You will get good attention. Deny this all you like but the fact is men and women are drawn it first by what they see. Yes personality is a factor in a long-term relationship, but right off the bat people are deciding whether you are worth talking to based on your looks, so make them want you! it's shallow but we're human, and who wouldn't want someone who looks like a model on their arm?
3. It's actually easier to get a job and get customers if you are self-employed. Why do you think people go through all the effort to make themselves look good in realtor ads? Oh, because it's professional to be clean and well put-together, and because people are drawn to good looking people. Sorry kids, but it's a fact of life. If you had a really sexy barista at one Starbucks, and a really awkward barista at another Starbucks, and they're roughly the same distance from your school or home which one do you think you'll go to more often?
Anyways, most people who actually want to look good, definitely could. Maybe it was a bad roll of the dice genetically, maybe they're metabolism is off and its a struggle to stay healthy, or maybe they really did get hit with an ugly truck. Regardless of the reason, some people definitely do have an easier time being fit, eating right, and staying healthy than others. Yet this is no reason to just give up, there are tons of different diets, exercise programs, skin care products, and hair care products that will get the raw materials you have to work with back in good condition. Then there are salon stylists who are trained to know which hair styles and colours suit different body types and face shapes. It's amazing the difference a bit of make-up makes, even a little can highlight your best features and hide your worst, making you look a lot better. Likewise with a new wardrobe, very few people have the time and patience for heels and crisp, perfect clothing every day, but stick to colours that compliment your skin tone, and only buy clothes that REALLY fit. It's a pain in the ass sometimes looking for the perfect size, but it pays off big when you wear those new tight-but-not-too-tight jeans out the first time.
I didn't write this to be a hypocrite. I know I don't look my best on a daily basis and I don't exercise as much as I probably should, but all modesty aside there is a big leap from where I am now, to the kind of ugly I'm targeting. Yes unique beauty exists. no not every fashion trend is for everyone, and frankly many are completely unaffordable. No not everyone should have the figure of a model or a stripper, but the biggest thing is being healthy. This not only means diet and exercise, but also showering daily, taking care of your skin, brushing your teeth(bad breath is the biggest turn-off ever), and making the most of what you were born with.
Okay I fo shizzzz need to get my ass to Metrotown and get people their presents. I get paid on Friday so I should have just under $300 so that'll definitely be enough, maybe I'll even get myself a present. ANYWHO... I need someone to go with.
Friday is pretty much the only day I can go. Thursday maaaaybe but I'll have $130 less to spend so Friday would be better. Other than that I have to wait until... I don't know when.
I work this Saturday 8-4, and Sunday 4-10. Monday I have a riding lesson, Tuesday I could possibly go... but school the next morning meaning I have to be back early-ish which isn't as fun. Next Wednesday work 4-10, and then I get 3 days off work, yes that means I can sleep in on one Saturday morning. I'm SO EXCITED!
Holy crap I just looked at my schedule... I am booked up! I need to get to Metro A.S.A.P. preferably with someone I actually like. Who's in?
Well it's been a while since I wrote one of these.
What's new in my life? Hmm..
There are 2 new additions to the family/menagerie. 2 kittens. My kitten is a tiny fuzzball of a tabby and has a really loud meow. Her name's Trouble. It suits her a little too well sometimes. Lisas kitty is black and white, super chill, and her name's Boots. She's so patient with being loved its unbelievable. They're both a big part of the family already.
Mom has a boyfriend, he seems alright. He's got two pretty young daughters, he works partly in Vancouver and partly in L.A. with movies, he's taking my mom to the Oscars, and he drives an Aston Martin. She seems truly happy, and I have decided that I completely approve of this man. They just bought a house and should be moving in 2 or 3 weeks from now, just in time for Christmas. The house is beautiful, I really love it. There is going to be a big New Years party there this year to celebrate her new found family, it's really three parties combined into one, the house is big enough to accommodate a LOT of people. There's going to be the adults party; in the nice living rooms and kitchen, the kids party; roaming the house and stealing candy, and my party; a bunch of teens in the basement enjoying booze, music, and each other ;). Parent is surprisingly cool with the drunkness thing, apparently as long as no one throws up, gets violent, smokes inside, or OD's on anything, then its okay. And obviously no tearing apart the house. It seems fair to me. Invites only but it's gonna be around 20 people invited and probably 10 showing up. If all 20 show up then great, but I doubt it.
As for me personally, I started P.E. and Planning by D.L. and I love it, I'm about half-way done, and I've only been at it for a month. I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist on Wednesday morning so there will be no more hospital scares. That's another thing that happened, I'm not going into detail. What else... I now have a boyfriend, and so far so good. We'll see what happens. The last new thing is that I got a job! Yay! I'm working in Guest Services at Mt. Seymour and I love it, it's even better than last year. I can't wait until night skiing opens on December 12th so I can start working more shifts, so far it's only once a week which is not nearly enough to sustain me, never mind my Christmas shopping.
OH MY GOD THE CRUISE. Okay, so in mid/late August my family and I went on a 2 week cruise through the mediteranean. It was unbelievable, I am so far gone on this travel thing, I wanna see the whole world. It was a great trip and there was some great shopping for knock-offs that looked really real in Spain. Clubbing in Barcelona, god bless Spanish strippers and the lack of bouncers. Also SOOO many sexy people. I think Europeans were just bred for beauty, I dunno, maybe thats just my opinion. *Sigh* Looks like I didn't inherit that trait.
I think that's it. Woohoo. Now that you're all caught up I'll try to remember to post a Christmas wishlist on here at some point.
I wrote this poem a while ago and found it, and re-edited it today. Let me know If you like it, or hate it, that could happen too.
(I'm Not) Lying.
I'm lying on a beach with no one listening,
My stories, so finely fabricated are a waste.
We needed each other to really exist, like violence and peace,
They seem to be as one, moving in complex pattern,
Around and around in swirls they are dancing.
Dancing around me as I lie in the sand, in disgrace.
Disgraced by the truth, by your tongue my heart is deceased,
I would have endured this, but it's for her that you yearn.
The swirls that they dance, form words in the sand,
The same words that we once spoke to each other.
I made you a promise, one such as you made me,
It's clear now that you were the first one to be lying.
I gave you my heart, yet you only wanted a hand.
Loving you was my mistake, I wonder why I bothered.
The power of attraction can make prisoner, those once free.
I lie with a pretty heart-shaped pendant, as you leave me dying.
I am floating, in a ocean where I can feel the world turn,
In every grain of sand, drifting cloud, and glint of sun, I see
Your passion, your strength and your talent for letting go.
I'm not lying on a beach anymore, and in truth I never was.
I doesn't matter who fights, it matters from whom we have learned.
I know that this isn't only my fault, you chose to give up on me.
You may say I'm nothing but surely as the ocean's tides flow
I'm learning, growing, loving, hurting. I'm living in sync, with the Earth.
I'm already on the fence, apparently thats the parent way of saying I'm bisexual. But after going to the Pride Parade I wanna jump that fence completely and say good-bye dicks, hello chicks. I wouldn't be missing much. So much fun today. Sterling was the right person to go with. He will make a fabulous drag queen next year.
so at the moment i'm tanked off my ass and totally numb. i feel delicious because i was just with my boyfriend and he treats me like the sexiest thing alive. i found out that my mom is leaving my dad approximately 5 hours ago. i think i'm a horribl person because i was depressed and in shock for the first 2 hours, then i realized that i saw this coming 5 years ago. then i got drunk. now i don't really care i'm just wondering what kind of changes it will bring. definitely a horrible person. mer. i'm frustrated by myself. i'm actually dating a decent guy who's gorgeous and really into me... wtf? this never happens. i should be totally stoked, but i'm not. maybe i'll feel differently tomorrow.
