1. Stop throwing candy at trees (I should also stop stealing it from babies, but one step at a time)

2. Refrain from looking at porn on the Internet

3. Agree to see one sappy movie a month with my girlfriend (she wants to see “P.S. I Love You” this weekend…ugh)

4. Defend Britney (and now her sister!) Spears’ life choices

5. Read every word of The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand in a week (have you read it? Then you know it’s impossible)

6. Stop silent-but-deadly farting in the movie theater (I know. I’m a dick)

7. Contribute to Fred Thompson’s presidential failure campaign

8. Do 10 somersaults in a row down a hallway after drinking 2 milkshakes

9. Buy the entire Zep discography and give it away

10. Wear a little black dress with stilettos in a bar on a Friday night (I’m a dude, that’s why)

11. Paint someone’s house for free…whether they wanted it painted or not

12. Date your mom

13. Stop making inappropriate comments/gestures/e-cards for your sister (even though she totally digs i