I obviously haven't been on here in forevers. My Plus ran out...boo.

VV Oh dear GODS, I LITERALLY snorted my green tea gingerale out my nose reading this one. XD VV

Clicky please.

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Someone...SOMEONE BUY ME A SCHECTER HELLRAISER -4!! Black Cherry finish...black chrome hardware...mahogany body with figured maple...*creams myself*

I've wanted this fucker forever, but GODDDD I want it now. I will sleep with it...and fuck it HARD. LULZ.

SO...instead of going out to Suburbs tonight, i'm actually staying home for once,haha. Not feeling so great, so whatever. I'm just going to continue sitting my lazy ass on the couch with a ton of blankets, drinking hot chocolate wishing that there was actually food in this house.

Sigh...

Other than feeling like some kind of death and yelling at my FF characters to level up faster, things are pretty damn good, I would have to say. <333

Best thing ever, I was playing Silent Hill 3 for about 5 hours straight since I woke up today...I switch back to the t.v. and the news is on talking about video game addictions. XD Ironic and awesome.

This one guy was saying that he would play a game for 3 hours straight and be all dizzy and lightheaded and shaky and shit, the only words that came out of my mouth was, 'What a fucking n00b."...*goes back to playing SH3* XD

Had an awesome saturday nigh at Suburbs,haha. Danced to the Cure and a ton of other good songs all in a row, w00t. I was awesomely amused by Pooky stealing my Hello Kitty shirt and trying to get it off, LOL.

Danced hard...actually got involved in the mosh pit that started,lolll...fun. My mood was up for most of the night, but it was dropping hard by the end of everything. But for the most part I had such an awesome time, and thank you for the rose Will,teehee

_{I will hurt you. I will push you away.}

I want to get close to you, though we've been as close as two human bodies can be, you wouldn't get close to me anyway...so I don't know why I wonder sometimes.

It intrigues me...why do we torture ourselves over something we know hurts us? Is it to subconsciously numb ourselves to the pain that we're going through? Is it the reason we listen to a song, or watch something that reminds us of someone that grieves us? Or is it to deliberately hurt ourselves more?

The human mind amazes me, entraps me...I think far too much, as anyone that has talked to me at 4am will tell you...very random, odd conversations happen. I'll also talk to you in third person, which gets a little confusing when I read the conversation again later. *lol*

Even when I was little, I did want to get a job somewhere in the Psychology department...to learn more about something that interests me, for awhile I thought it was so that I could hopefully help someone out in a way that I never got helped...who knows really.

The other thing that always amazed me was just how far someone can be bent...emotionally and physically. It's absolutely...breathtaking. I can be a sadist, and am...I have hurt people intentionally, just to see what it would do...as nonsensical as this sounds, it wasn't my intention to ever hurt, it was almost an experiment to myself...just to test and poke and prod...to see just how far it takes. How far it takes to drive someone completely mad.

It's a rush to have that much influence in someone, that much pull...

Me and one of my ex-boyfriends used to push each other, to and over the edge, just to see what would turn out. Bloody and violent...but the ultimate end was just how close we really were to each other...I miss it, the intimacy...I haven't felt that way with anyone in years. It's a depressing thought to be quite honest.

It's a complete mindfuck to run into someone that reminds you almost exactly of someone you used to be so close to, no words really describe how it feels, I don't think there are words that exist in any language.

And, for the record...i'm SICK and FUCKING TIRED of being the one that's CONSTANTLY IN THE WRONG. You are NOT the innocent one that hasn't done any wrongs. Why am I the one that is always the FUCK UP? I AM THE HYDRA. I'm going to act as such very soon...I'm absolutely tired of being the QUIET, INNOCENT, NICE Nikki that everyone keeps telling me they like so much about me...then I get told constantly that i'm not worth anyones love? I'm not worth anyone...I AM WORTH MORE THAN ANYONE WILL EVER KNOW. I don't give a FUCK how vain i'm sounding, I don't. Criticize me please, I BEG you. Beat me down, thrash me, beat me fucking bloody, black and blue. Mess up this pretty fucking dollface. Why? Because I know that you want to.

It's been bruised enough, I will gladly take physical pain over emotional pain...though on a daily basis I go through quite large amounts of both...which does explain my moods, there are many things that explain the moods I go through. I'm not blind to them, and i'm not unwillingly to change them. I have started to change what i've been doing for the better, I knew these mood drops would be absolutely terrible, so it's not a complete surprise to me.

This is random and absolutely terrible, but I don't care. I DO NOT FUCKING CARE how little sense this makes, because this is what is happening right now, at this moment...i'll look back at it later, I might giggle a little, I might read it and smirk, wondering why I was so fucked up. Whatever, this is what i'm feeling right NOW...there is no need for apology, there is no need for sense here.

Complete annihilation of the senses.