ohdear;; - 21, Female, Richmond
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zzz
so i guess i havent been around,
im back?
 

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you make me want to slit my wrists
or inject something into my veins
your words are piercing, annoying, vile
i want to disappear, i want to escape
i want to get intoxicated and numbed to reality.
this is not a good place to be.
 
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sleeping beauty by `suzi9mm
is this beauty
can i hold it, now
can i touch it
can i be with it, somehow

can i be happy
will i ever be at home
can i smile
will this last for awhile

this is a mistake
it is something untold
this is what it takes
it is not what should unfold

but this is beauty
this is the gentle breeze
this is my happiness
this is what i will be

i am not here
i left a long time ago
i need nothing more
i dont need you and

i will always be
everything you want
and i will always have
everything you need

and now i will
be everything you seek
and i will
be nothing at all you see

but this beauty
this is the gentle breeze
this is my happiness
this is what i will be

and now you see me
and we are happy
and this is the price we paid
and this is what we have made

and we have beauty
and that is all we need
we will be happy
together with our beauty

 
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i dislike how commercial i look.
when people meet me, they are shocked when they discover im going to emily carr
they think i am just another blond who likes to party.
i hate how people assume i'm one way, just cause i look like it.
i have never pulled off this look before, i dont understand how it came so easy.
i wanted a new look, to be more put together, but this is not what i wanted.
i didnt want to be just another kid on the block.
i want to have style and look grown up, but not like this.
my artsy needs to be showing more, but its not, and it cant
not until i get a job, get some new clothes.
but really, i wont have money for clothes, needa save that.
blah this is so lame.
 
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asdfasdfsadfdaf
you are so addictive
 
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fuck, what to do.

01.you being like this, it fucking hurts it really does
cause i know who you are and i know what i did
and it makes sense that you'd feel this way
but like in the end i know it will all be for the best
but it fucking sucks that you hate me cause i still care about you
but i guess it just cant be what it could be.

02. i miss you already, which is ridicukulous,
just knowing that i wont see you is pretty hard though.
i am sad we got get that summer we've always wanted
but maybe next year, probably not.
im not hopeful anymore, thats why its sad that your gone.
i like, think i'd be cool if we talked or whatever,
when you came back and like
we spent two years apart and still was like good when i saw you last,
but like im going to be a different person, so will you
i dont know if we can change and still be good, you know?
it usually doesnt work that way.
so when you left, i said goodbye. it was sad.

03. well i dont know what to think of you or your lifestyle
i dont wanna be played, im sorry thats not my style.
and like if he just wants to fuck thats good for him, i want a boyfriend now.
i know he does this and that and the other thing,
but he seemed pretty cool and i'd like to be close with him.
but i dont know if that'd be good for me, or my friends.
but it would be hellof alot of fun.

 
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daisfasf LALAALALALA

had a horrible night, it was terrifying.
nightmare after nightmare. not something i was prepared for.
i feel better now though, i am started to bring back me.
i didnt have the sweet dreams you asked me to,
but it is strangely reassuring to have dreams at all.
even though they came from a very dark place in my mind.
i guess i need that side though, to be an artist.
i dont want to be afraid of any images, i want to make my work powerful.
life isnt all about being happy, its about the struggle, its how you become happy.
i want to go shout on rooftops and dance in the rain.
nothing really is wrong in my life right now, minus like
that panic attacks and not having a job and stuff,
but like overall its going fucking great so i want to just stay positive.
cause really, everything is going to work out in the end,
cause im going to work really hard and get it all done.
i am going to need this positive outlook at emily carr
and deffinantly throughout my entire life.
cause really life is alot easier when you happy and smiling,
when you angry and sad every day drags on, and you just want to scream.
and i am tired of living like that, i love life and i want to live.
so, i am going to live.
 
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zzz

this is horrible, but expected, so not that bad really.
tomorrow is another day, hopefully with new adventures.
cant promise anything, but i wont get lost out at sea.
this is exactly how i knew i'd feel, but i want more.
i guess thats always ganna be my problem,
im never going to be happy with what i have.
well, maybe thats because i'll never have what i want.
or maybe i will, who knows, i guess i should be optimistic.
all i know is im happy that i can do what i wanted to do,
and be who i wanted to be, that is, if i still want to be that person.
i guess i dont really know who i want to be anymore,
maybe thats a good reason to be alone, i can figure it out.
and its not like i'm scared of being alone anymore,
its a high possibility that i will put my art before everyone.
but you know, it would be nice to have someone that i wanted.
so why is this panic attacking me so, like seriouslly its not okay.
i am not stressing out about anything, i may be upset but theres nothing i can change.
or really would change, like everything happens for a reason.
maybe in the past i would of asked for change, but not anymore.
even in my most panicked out moment, i wouldnt change life.
hopefully ill still say that when im a starving artist.
i think i will.
 
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2010 Vancouver Olympics.
"I miss the Olympics."
I remember how it all started...

Years ago there was debates and votes and badges to support having the olympics here, or reject it. I personally thought that it would be cool to have them here, but ultimately it could ruin our city and just bring us into too much debt. I wasn't disappointed when they where announced to be held here. Just concerned.

As they drew closer our city started to have quick fixes for the homeless problem in Vancouver and hired many people to run the new Vancouver to Richmond Canada Line skytrain. We started to see more and more people in Vancouver, and in Richmond. I thought that during the olympics it would be so gridlocked in Richmond that I wouldn't even be able to make it to school. We built new buildings like the Oval and new things started to appear all over Vancouver and Richmond. There was suddenly Canada flags everywhere, on buildings, attached to cars, on shirts, on mugs, everywhere. There where stages built in Richmond and Vancouver had free concerts and me and my friends where starting to get excited for the Olympics. It meant free things.

They finally started and there where people everywhere. In richmond there isn't much of a night life, everyone is usually gone by 7, but not anymore. There where always people to meet, always something to do, always somewhere to be. With the free shows a lot of people got to see bands/artists that they never would of been able to see. The spirit was amazing. The Canadian spirit started to rise.

A lot of people dressed up in canadian colours, and on a skytrain back to richmond after an event you could be guaranteed to hear "Oh Canada" sung at least one time. But to me, that did not mean we where patriotic. That meant we, Canadians, liked free stuff.

I watched the very last hockey game. It was actually the only Olympic event that I did watch and enjoy. I watched it in the movie theater I worked at. Everyone in the theater was silent, and as we went into over time the excitement grew. Everyone was completely and fully supporting our team. We knew that if we won this, we would have the most gold medals out of everyone. We in a sense would "win" the olympics. When we scored that goal everyone went running out of the theater cheering and yelling and jumping, it was like we ourselves had just won that game.

That is when the partying began, I went downtown to Vancouver and the city was alive. Everyone was cheering and everyone was happy. Songs where sung, and flags where absolutely everywhere. Everyone was in love with Canada. Everyone was cheering and cars where honking and not a single person was upset. It was the first time in my life that I have ever felt truly patriotic.

I always have loved Canada. But I never had felt the urge to tell the world I love Canada. I never wanted to boast and, well, have pride. After that day I have a new found love for my country. One many other Canadians have found.

Now we are in debt, we are going to have problems, but, I think it was worth it. Hearing "I miss the Olympics" constantly makes me have no doubt that it was worth it. I am a proud Canadian and I am very happy the Olympics happened in Vancouver. They not only allowed us to see bands, go on ferris wheels, go on zip lines, bring us Coca Cola tents, see beautiful lights, meet many new people, have amazing nights, every night, bring us closer together with our friends, they allowed us to have something to be truly proud of. Our country has now done something that we can boast about, allowing us to be as patriotic as we want to be. As we should be.

I love Richmond, I love Vancouver, and I especially love Canada.

So even now as the people are gone, the stages are gone, the free stuff is gone, the extra people in the light blue Olympic jackets are gone, our love is not gone.

Thank you 2010 Vancouver Olympics, we will not forget you.
 
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alienation by =P3T3R-KURT3N-GROUPI3
once again more confused then ever before
stuck in the past and cant figure out the present
but for once in my life i am excited about the future

emily carr is where i am heading, its official.
hopefully i will be able to live to my full potential there.
today, i am creating a blogspot or something of the sort.
i wanted to make a entry every day somewhere or on something
from the day i got my letter.
well, i got my letter yesterday.

boys are ever confusing, i have too many of them right now
i missed a few when i was counting before, but yeah i have one for every day
and that is just ridiculous.
i cant even keep there names straight.

i guess this is a part of me in my new body
i have never gotten this much attention from boys in real life,
only on my nexopia world
but now its happening in life, every day life
and they are like attractive guys
i kindof dont know what to do with myself
i always used to date whoever would date me,
but now i actually have to pick someone and make up my mind!
like this is really all new and exciting for me.
i can have standards!

i was going to make this blog all professional
but really whats the point, this is about my thoughts
and my thoughts are really imature and confused right now
so i am not in the mood to write poetic insiteful mysterious blogs
ima just ganna say how it is!

i am also going to upload pictures on to my deviant art soon.
all the ones for my AP Art are so good, im actually excited to show people.
i cant wait till i get like good enough where i have to start like
watermarking everything so it doesnt get stolen.
but right now its good if they get stolen, i want people to see my art
as many people as possibly can.

anyways i guess thats enough of my thoughts,
there arent very many more.
just abstract thoughts about happiness and love
but that can be wrote at another time.
 
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today
I never thought I'd miss you so much,
But I do, I miss you more then the world.
You where a part of my life, and always will be.
I miss you so much, you are my sunshine.

The past is coming back to haunt me,
I'm not scared though, not this time.
I'm a little bit interested, but I am happy being me,
I know now not to change for anyone
If they dont fall for you, there's no point in them falling at all.

I am trying to control the panic, its getting ridiculous,
Some days I just want to stay in all day and sleep,
That would be the simple solution, but I dont want that.
I want to go out in the world and succeed, thats why I push on.
I will win the game of life. I will.

My photography skills have improved over the last bit,
By getting more life experience I believe that my photography has grown also
It makes sense and I enjoy the escape it can bring me,
It is the same escape that skating brings me,
but my body cant handle that everyday haha.

 
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im so happy.

i am doing what i want,
i got into the school of my dreams,
i did it guys.



i am so happy now i want to cry
i found my purpose and im starting my life
i finally am doing something good



art is my life, and i can do it
everything is going to be alright now
everything is going to be just fine.

 
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this is real
no time to be afraid.
 
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depression is a beast

i want something more then this,
i need someone to help me through this.
i want to feel alive again.
i need to find someone worth keeping.
im drowning somebody save me.
 
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found guilty of wanting.
i wish i knew who to feel for
i wish i knew where my feelings lie
i wish i knew which feelings lie
i wish i knew how to feel
 
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