She was born, yet it feels like im dead. i cant have her home, cant have her here.
it feels like my life is falling apart, in some ways
my fiance doesnt love me too much anymore, well thats what it feels like
and im not making anyone happy. and that means me too.
what am i supposed to do, i know i need to stick around for my little girl.
but what about the home life?
i feel so run down, so stressed, and close to loosing it.
these people dont have a fucking clue what its like to loose your child, yet know its not dead.
yet they take and take so freely, and beleive its their right to such power.
its disgusting, revolting, and wrong, for such a belief.
you figure it out. why cant someone ELSE be judged based on what ppl dont know.
it feels like an intrusion of my personal life that someone shouldnt know about.
yet the government, allows such actions taken on the public.
AND at the same time they want us to trust their judgement on what they do
so i guess all i can really say is life is hell... sometimes

Couple's baby apprehended at birth

By Sheila Reynolds - Surrey North Delta Leader

Published: January 05, 2009 1:00 PM
Updated: January 06, 2009 12:07 PM

It was less than an hour after midnight on Nov. 16 when Annaliese Gwendolyn Postma entered the world.

She arrived weighing 7 lbs.15 oz. and was 51 cm. long with a full head of brown hair.

Parents Caitlin Herman and Nathaniel Postma were thrilled to meet their daughter.

"I was actually the one bawling my eyes out when she came out," recalls burly Nathaniel.

But less that 12 hours later, confusion, anger and sadness would overshadow their happiness.

Before lunchtime, a nurse came in and took Annaliese from her mom's arms. The nurse didn't say anything or answer Caitlin's questions as she wheeled the child out of the room in her bassinet.

Nathaniel had been sleeping nearby but awoke to the ensuing chaos as several social workers and RCMP officers entered the maternity room at Surrey Memorial Hospital.

The baby was being seized, the parents were told, and taken into the care of the Ministry of Children and Family Development.

The dad, according to government documents, was agitated and volatile, even the next day. But his child was being taken, he argued, of course he was stressed.

Caitlin and Nathaniel are both 19. They were in foster homes much of their own lives. Both "aged out" of care earlier this year.

Caitlin, whose birth mother abused drugs and alcohol, was put in foster care at birth. Over the years, she has been diagnosed with myriad mental health disorders, including fetal alcohol syndrome, neonatal abstinence syndrome, attention deficit disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety and depression.

Nathaniel lived mainly with his grandmother until age 14 when he began having anger management and abandonment issues, and she could no longer care for him due to her own health issues. He's since suffered from anxiety, depression and psychosis. He remains close to his grandmother.

Both have also been on medications for years, although Caitlin went off them prior to becoming pregnant. She has since followed up with her psychiatrist and a letter written after her Dec. 11 appointment says the new mom "does not require any medication at this time."

Nathaniel says he manages his symptoms without the pills but does have a prescription for a low-dose anti-psychosis medication.

When the couple met more than a year ago, they fell in love quickly and decided to have a baby together.

But six months into the pregnancy, in July 2008, someone placed a child welfare call, expressing concern about the pair's ability to care for a child. Their many diagnoses were cited, as was the fact they'd not been taking their prescribed medications.

A social worker didn't meet with Caitlin and Nathaniel until late October. A report provided to The Leader by the couple says the worker was concerned about the sanitary state of the one-bedroom apartment, noting there was cat hair, the carpets were dirty and there was a sour/stale smell. It also outlines Caitlin's admission that she has mood swings and smoked pot during her pregnancy. (Caitlin says she smoked very little, and only to stop nausea to allow her to eat). It also talks about verbal arguments and the teens slapping one another, but they say it's always in fun and never escalates to physical fights.

The report references collateral checks with family and professionals indicating concerns about the pair's mental health issues, as well as "the conflictual nature of their relationship and maturity/developmental ability to safely and effectively parent and (sic) infant."

A source also told the worker Caitlin drank and used drugs prior to knowing she was pregnant and predicted she'd go back to using in order to cope with the stress of being a new parent.

Sitting on a couch in their small but tidy apartment with family and friends, Caitlin and Nathaniel talk openly about their past, their troubles, their mistakes and their plans for the future.

Their baby, they vow, would be safe and loved and well-cared for in their home. While they are both on disability assistance and earn a combined $1,500 a month, they've budgeted for their daughter's needs.

"I've been around newborns since the age of 10," Caitlin says. "I do feel I'm one of those people that was meant to have a baby."

Nathaniel believes he's a "natural" when it comes to fatherhood.

They're currently allowed to visit their daughter in her Coquitlam foster home three times a week. Annaliese weighs close to 11 pounds now. Caitlin breastfeeds during her visits and pumps her milk during the week.

But the bassinet in the couple's bedroom remains empty at night, except for a blanket bearing their daughter's photo. No overnights with the baby are allowed.

On the change table beside the bed is a pale pink Christmas stocking they filled during their supervised holiday visit. They await the day Annaliese can come home to stay.




Kids only apprehended when 'immediate' threat: Ministry


Decisions to seize children are always a last resort, according to the Ministry of Children and Family Development.

Only when a child protection concern is raised – be it through a hospital, a family member or a neighbour – does the provincial body step in.

Caitlin Herman and Nathaniel Postma wonder why, if they were viewed as such risky parents, they weren't offered supports – such as parenting or anger management classes – prior to the baby's birth and apprehension.

While a complaint was made in July, a social worker didn't come to their home until October, just weeks before the baby was born.

A spokesperson from the ministry could not speak about Annaliese's case specifically, but said the ministry often works with parents and parents-to-be on self-help skills and specific tasks such as meal preparation and money management.

"Our first goal would always be to try to put those supports in place where that's a possibility, but in some cases, there are immediate child protection concerns which outweigh those goals," he said, noting the approach is the same whether the child is born yet or not.

"Children are only removed when there's an immediate threat to the child. Unless that threat is apparent, we would not act to remove the child."

Nathaniel and Caitlin can't understand how their newborn would be in any danger, but say they weren't offered any assistance prior to the baby's birth.

Having been in foster care her whole life, the young mom says she would have attended any courses or counselling to assure her daughter would come home from the hospital with her.

"I know what it's like and I never wanted that for my daughter. Had they given me the choice – I would have done anything."

The couple has since registered for a parenting class that begins this month and they are looking for a relationship counselling course that doesn't have a waiting list.

Last month in court, the province applied for a three-month extension to the temporary custody order for Annaliese, but the couple's lawyer contested it. Both sides are now scheduled to sit down and discuss the case during a conference scheduled for Feb. 19.


sreynolds@surreyleader.com

Its been a while

i miss the days when i could just lie in bed and not worry
i miss the days when it was u and me
i miss the days where i used to go to school
to learn to be known and learn to be cool
i miss the days when i had no friends
so simple and sweet, they say he loves to pretend
but the days i miss i regret the most
like the days i stayed in bed and didnt worry
like the days where it wasnt u and me
maybe the days i didnt go to school
i was already cool, i didnt learn
how bout the days when i did have friends
ooohh he wishes he could pretend...

Where did it all go, why is it all gone?
thinking of this makes me wonder what about here and now?
and where could i be otherwise???
some of my questions have been answered and some not...
the other questions i soon forgot...
and my wish for here and now is u...
will u... could u... would u...
love me?
hold me?
grasp me?
kiss me?

AND

will u... could u... would u...
miss me?
cry for me?
think of me?
dream of me?

Its been a while.............

i hate this fucking computer and i have an alcohol problem... i dont have any... FUCK lol peace

shit when was the last time i blogged?? no fuckin clue. but ne who kate the one who i loved and hated so much passed away. i dated her for quite some time and yea she passed away at the age of 17 .... date of birth, MARCH 19, 1989-NOVEMBER 3, 2006..... SUCH A SHORT LIFE she was a wonderful girl and i loved her... she was and is my only bipolar love.... we will all miss u kate.

**BEAUTIFULLY KILLING ME** .
Life is hell,
Can't you tell,
I'm under your spell,
You don't even care,
If I'm there,
All you do,
Is flirt with me,
But can't you see,
Your KILLING me.
May, 9/ 2005

just a little something my lovely ex Kate wrote
let me say something about this poem... it was true i rili did flirt with her for the longes time and i didnt start going out with her for a month... but in the end where it all got me... no where... b/c of her i am COLD colder than i ever was and ever will be and as the days go on and on i get colder... she has killed me... she slaughtered me and didnt expect me to come back... but im back and walking the steets at night looking for some one to love again and that aspect of my life is dead... its hard but i will do it again and hopefully i wont fall this time... hopefully i wont die this time... maybe ill warm up for a change and i will love again... but untill that time comes im cold... U have beautifully killed me. . .

guy: can we have sex right now..
girl: can we do what..
guy: you know, can i be your first, finally..
girl: um, no..
guy: why..
girl: because you have a girlfriend, who happens to be my friend..
guy: so, if you don't tell, i won't tell..
girl: besides that, i'm waiting for someone special, someone that i want to be with for the rest of my life..
guy: i'm not special to you?..
girl: you're my friend, that's all..
guy: looks forward and keeps driving..

five minutes pass..

guy: starts to run his hand up the girls thigh..
girl: moves his hand, don't touch me..
guy: tries to kiss her..
girl: screams, would you stop..
guy: continues trying..
girl: moves to the back seat..
guy: parks on an abandoned street and gets in the backseat with the girl, and starts to kiss her..
girl: pushes him off and moves over, please don't do this..
guy: don't do what, i know you want it, i can tell from your eyes, moves over to her and starts to unbutton her pants..
girl: pushes him harder and says, no don't..
guy: gets aggravated, punches her and tells her to stop playing hard to get..
girl: cries and continues to fight..
guy: punches her harder, pulls her pants off, and holds her down..
girl: screams as he penetrates her, NO please don't do this..
guy: puts his hand over her mouth..

an hour passes..


guy: pulls back and wipes himself off..
girl: sits in the corner of the seat, sobbing..
guy: looks at her and says, you better not tell anyone about this, if you're really my friend you won't tell anyone about it, you know i love you, he reaches out his hand to touch her cheek..
girl: pulls back, just take me home now..
guy: says alright, gets in the front seat and drives her home..

two months later..

girl: doctor what's wrong with me, i haven't had my time of the month in two months..
doctor: looks at her, you haven't been have your time for a reason..
girl:looks at him and says, why, dreading the answer that she was sure to receive..
doctor: you're pregnant..
girl: faints..

the story gets out that she was pregnant, and people start looking to the guy, he claims that it's not his because she was sleeping with every guy in the school, which was a lie, and he went to her and said, if you lie to people and say that i raped you i'll kill you. the girl is completely devastated, first, he took her virginity, got her pregnant, then lied about it. so completely depressed, the girl commits suicide by drug overdose.

girls, if this story touched you, repost it as: that's fucked up..
guys, if this story touched you, repost it as: i'll kill any fucker who does this.

IM cold hearted
my dearly departed
look deeper into my soul
its like a deep dark hole
filled with memorys of love
memorys of family
memorys of hate
memorys of you
but now its too late
what are u going to do
these memorys are nothing to you
but to me they mean so much more
every time i hear your voice
every time you call
i just want to scream
i want nothing to do with you at all
my vains are filled with stone
my heart is black like coal
why cant you leave me alone
so i can refill that deep black hole
everytime u look at me
you dig deeper more
dont you understand
cant you see
so many things i want to do
so many things i could say
well ill tell everything to you
and hope you hear this today
FUCK you, i loath you
FUCK you, i hate you
but hate is such astrong word they say
but for you its the only way
FUCK you, i love you
FUCK you, and fuck them too
im COLD
so ive been told
im COLD HEARTED
My dearly departed

When will it end
when u walk down down a street and all u get is that look like ur a friek
people treat u like shit and expect u to treat them like kings and queens
when people think theyre somebody when really theyre a nobody
when will it end
when friends deceive u and turn theyre backs on u
they talk behind ur backs and to ur face they give u those evil looks
when friends betray u and expect to be friends again
when will it end
when u sit in ur room in the corner with a knife in ur hand and blood on the floor
when u just want u scream but all that comes out is a wimper
when every thing u have ever lived for is gone except for ur guitar
when will it end
when people tease u and u feel like ur not rili there
when u stand in the middle of the street and u feel like time has stopped for u and every thing else is a blurr
when u zone out and forget that ur alive, tho u wish u werent
when will it end
when u hear a voice and u never kno whether its real ur just in ur head
when u feel like uve lost urself and u just wanna fucking die
when no one understands what its like to feel true internal pain
when will it end
when u fall in love and it all turns into a burning lust
when u see that person every dy knoing that u cant have her
when u that lust turns to love aagain and u start to care
when will it end.........