i feel like a significant change is about to happen, and it makes me nervous.
i think over the passed few years and i feel like i have no constants. nothing to hold on to as time goes by. it's like summer is officially over tonight, and it was so fucking uneventful and i'm so bored with everyone. i'm so bored with everything. even starting up school isn't exciting me, i don't give a fuck about anything. i don't care if i ever learn anything new again right now. i'm just waiting for something to happen. and it just feels kind of ominous, i don't think it will be good. but i want it to happen just to shake things up and make me feel something. i don't know. i just hate it when my friends get bored of me. i like having new friends. because when i first get to know people they always like me so much, and then after a while it just gets boring. or maybe it's all in my head and i just like them at first and get bored of them. or maybe both. but, man, it really bothers me that it seems like you only liked me when you thought i was cool and now you find out i'm normal but i think you're cool still and want to see you but i just don't care enough to make the effort. and, j, i like it when we make eye contact or you let me hold your hand, but i really don't want anything from you. i don't know. i don't know. i just only write shit like this when i'm bored and feeling sort of sorry for myself. like i just feel like getting drunk and crying because who doesn't need a good cry sometimes and i know i can't do it sober. i don't even remember the last time i cried. i don't really feel the need, but maybe it would be nice to get it out. who knows.
carissa is awesome. i haven't had this good of a feeling about a new friend in a really long time. and we were always friends, not really good friends, but friends for a few years. and i always get this great relaxed feeling when i'm with her. and i can always make her laugh, it's so nice when people think i'm funny. and we can be mellow or crazy and it's sort of like what i have with nadia but i don't know. its just awesome. and i can still see myself being great buds in a years time. and going to europe with her, wow, that is just awesome. she told me months ago, before we were good friends, that i was the only person she really considered going with. and it makes sense, we are both just so easy-going. and bad things have happened to us and we just laugh. because, really, what else can you do. why let that kind of shit ruin you. we just feed off of each others' positivity and it's just great.
summer is over. and i just don't know what to do. i'm not sad and i'm not happy. i'm just so bored with everything. work and stuff too. no hate, no love, just bored. i would love to quit but thinking about it, where else would i work? it's not the best, but it's pretty relaxed, great friends. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know about much of anything right now. i just want to do something, but i don't know what. i feel so restless. i need something to happen, something big. that throws me into a terrible depression or makes me so fucking happy. i don't really even have a preference. i'm just so fucking bored of feeling bored and restless and apathetic about everything. and everyone is in school or working full time, i guess i'm a bit lonely. maybe. i can't really tell. if i was i guess i would know. i just feel like i need something. I NEED SOMETHING BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT. and until then i guess i will just whine about it. but i am happy, overall. i'm completely comfortable with myself and i feel like i could honestly do anything if i wanted to. if i wanted anything, i can have it. but i don't really know what i want even. i don't know and i'm so disinterested in love right now. like i haven't had real feelings for anyone in over a year. crushes, sure, but that's probably just because i'm so horny all the time.
i just want to save money, but it's practically impossible. all i really want is march 20th. i just want to be able to fucking drive already, its so frustrating i waited this long. but i can't really regret it. i never regret anything because you just can't. if i changed one thing in the past, which i couldn't anyways so there is no point of worrying over it, it would completely change who i am. it's funny to think that one conversation with someone changes your life. people think about that stuff on too big a scale, like disasters or big vacation or really eventful things that stick in your memory make you who you are. but it's also all the little things, probably more so, than the large things you remember. it's neat to think about that kind of stuff. thats why i'm pretty stoked on the philosophy course.
i always like to write out my thoughts to clear my mind, i'm so uncreative mostly, that that's all i can really do to express myself lately. like i don't feel visual art really expresses me, it's not what i feel. i am skilled, i can copy something, but i don't feel relief afterwards. writing, i do moreso. but i can't bring myself to write in prose. it's all just blabber, stream of conciousness. which can still be interesting, but i don't know. you tell me, really. but i guess anyone who would read this would know me or want to know things about me to be interested in this anyways. i don't know. i just wish i were high or something maybe, that would be nice. that always makes me think less, and sometimes i feel like i think too much but whatever. that is me and i have to accept it and live in the now and all that garbage but idk. idk. BLAH. i hope something crazy happens to throw my life totally off course and throw me outside of my comfort zone and i have to adapt to new situations. one would think school would do that but i don't really think so. its just school, i might meet a few new people, but it still won't change my standoffishness. i just wish i wasn't so much so. i feel like i've missed out on so many friendships and expreriences because of it. it's just kind of depressing when i think about it, yet i can't bring myself to ever do anything about it. it's just not who i am. maybe things will change, who knows.
you loved me as a loser, but now you're worried that i just might win
you know how to stop me, but you don't have the disipline
how many nights i've prayed for this, to let my work begin
first we take manhattan, then we take berlin
now you're all alone, and i've been alone for a while
and i've always thought you were cute and shit
so i guess i'm more than willing to be willing to be rebound
so i guess my life is kinda pathetic,
i have a huge crush on a fictional character haha fml
all my childhood i've learnt to be alone, you know, just living with my mom
and her working a lot. and now i am like trained to be alone or something.
i have a wall for no reason or something i don't even know.
i feel like i'm incapable of having real friends or something.
every summer of my life i've had a group of friends who just hang out everyday
and we are all best friends for the summer and it's just so nice
but this summer i don't have that and i feel like i don't have school so i should go do something
but i have no friends to do anything with. and i know life is good and i am happy but i feel like complaining.
you know if you bottle it up or something then you go crazy
even though this isn't anything to bottle up anyways..... so anyways i'm just lonely or something.
krista is gone and nadia leaves saturday. and i am broke until next fucking tuesday
and my mom won't take me to harry potter anymore because i told her to shut up because i'm annoyed at everything today
sometimes i feel like i don't really enjoy anything for itself, i just enjoy the idea of stuff. for some reason i hate words like "thing" and "stuff" but i and think of any general words that don't sound stupid.
but you know, it's like you only do certain things because if you had a stalker it would look nice to them
or like a reality tv show scene or something.
there's this song that is so good that i just can't stop listening to and i like waking up early in the summer when no one else is up
and just listen to music loud and dance in my underwear.... it's fun.
i like being awake at nighttime. it would be cool if sleep wasn't necessity.
i feel like i'm excited for next year. but i have a feeling it will be like the transition from junior high to high school and the latter becomes commonplace after a week
but the anticipation is fantastic, you think everything will be amazing all the time because you're surrounded by more mature people who share your interests or something.
but i don't really give a fuck right now, i could use a cigarette.
i love smoking on an empty stomach, it feels so cool.
and my stomach is always empty lately, although it would be cool it gain more weight
but i'm too fucking lazy to make food, and too poor to buy it. wow.
it's weird to think how other people see you. to me i am me, and everything i do is normal.
but i don't know. it's like i'm too lazy to shower most of the time and i go out and think i look good or soemthing
but what if i stink or look like trash or i say something witty that everyone thinks is stupid.
it kind of scares me sometimes. my biggest fear is being friends with someone
or trying to be friends with someone who thinks i'm annoying.
i hate the idea of being that kind of person who thinks they are friends with someone but everyone hates them.
but honestly i feel like i am that for some reason. all the time.
and i try to be elusive and all. or if i make plans with someone a few times in a row
i stop to see if they will call me or something and when they don't i still won't call them
and then we're not friends anymore. and i wonder sometimes if i was the kind of person who they didn't want to hang out with
or they were just bad at making plans. or they were doing what i was doing.
hm.
also i'm rethinking this whole english major, like what will i do with it.
before i was like whatever i'll figure it out later and now i think, do i really want to do this?
do i even like english? well yeah, i guess so. but so much work. and i'm too lazy
i'll need to get perscribed some dex or some shit i don't know.
so i'm thinking of switching into the journalism program which would be totally cool.
but then i think what can i do with that? at least with a ba you can transfer into a masters course for two years or whatever.
but with a degree in journalism you can like only be a journalist i feel like.
well, obviously being a columnist would be cool. or write cool articles on random topics for magazines.
or writing for a political magazing. that would be cool.
i just don't like the thought of working for the calgary sun or something
and writing articles about the stampede. or something like that. i don't know. i'm whiney and lonely and i have to get it out and be saneeeeee.
but life is cool and everything is beautiful and i am happy. so whoop de da
it's so good to be home.
new york was kind of a disappointing. but it's just because i had such high expectations
people honk their car horns sooo excessively. before i would even think what is that guy doing?
someone would honk their horn for like 30 seconds. it's like chill out.
time square was cool, shopping was cool, the subway system was cool.
but nyc, you're not for me.
it made me appreciate home so much more. and i have great friends.
being away for a week really seems to put things into perspective.
oh yeah and lines vines trying times is like the best thing that has ever happened to me.
i miss my ipod. but listening to couples have intense public fights on the train is fun.
i hate working at 3 or something and then it is too early to make plans with anyone beforework
so all you do is sit on your bum. hopefully i can make plans for tonight or something
i miss everyone and wanna see everyone everrrrrrr
-lately all i've been listening to is rhcp and foo fighters lol
-i was kind of worried that talking to you about how i felt would wreck things
and i thought it did until today. i just feel like i'm being needy when i talk about myself or some shit
anyways, you are still into me and that is cool.
-do i go to the dudes cd release or party bus? both will be fun. dilhema.
-you are sooooo cute
-i love pushing your buttons, you are crazy
-i haven't seen you in like a year or something. i'm kind of dreading seeing you but i still kind of want to. excited to see how you are now or something
i am worried about one thing
i want to take physics I, but it says the corequesite is mathematics for scientists
and i don't even know what i corequesite means. does it mean that i have to take that too to get the credits?????
i love physics, but i don't want to take that math course because i have so many better things to take
PHYSICS IS SO COOL I WISH YOU ONLY KNEW
we are starting atomic physics, and i am so excited like so interesting
i love physics and i love getting 100% on my rap about electromagnetism lol
i love having all my grades above 80% i am so proud of myself
if anyone knows what a corequesite even means please tell me
love you allllll <33333333333
are you the cutest thing i've ever seen? for sure
can i tell you think i'm cute too? fuck yeah, it's in your eyes when they meet mine
omgomgomg i will never tell anyone what i think of you lol
i have to take a the biggest dump ever, i'm going to wait a little bit though
the longer you wait the better it feels, but if you wait too long it passes
isn't it funny how pooping applies to lots of things in life? i think so
having dude friends again is really cool
i'm stoked you are texting me all the time and showing you love me
you are probably the closest thing to a best friend i will ever have
you're different, so what. i am too. fuck appearances
attn all: GAP HAS CHANGED THERE DRESS CODE
i can now wear shorts and ripped jeans. cool.
critical reading and writing, ideas that matter, beginners french,
problems with philosophy, introduction to principles of psychology
HOW CAN I NOT BE STOKED???
also how can i not be stoked on the weather? i can wear a tshirt at 9pm
and the highs this week are in the mid twenties. fuck yeah
the less i think, the happier i am
i'm thinking less and less everyday
iglu and hartly, you make me happy and want to dance.
the new jeffrey lewis cd is also one of the best fyi. give it a listen imo
oh yeah! i am also stoked on nyc!!!!!!!!!! and the prepaid credit card i am getting for a grad gift
i am going to buy so many clothes and cry so hard with joy. clothes from new york???
i am already looking up stores to go to like omg wooooo
also the cabin windemere with the best people? that is fucking cool too.
i am at a good place in my life and i love everyone, and they all love me
i am so fucking awesome
i'm gonna go take that shit now
j
1all we do is laugh. i consider you one of few good friends. our friendship is great, we have fun and talk but don't really depend on each other. cool.
2always my bff. i often get jealous that you are always busy with others, but i'm not about to be one of those others who try to control your life
3for some reason i can't forget about you, not in a good way. you're hot, but you are not cool.
4who knows, all i know is i don't want to be your boyfriend. OK!?
5you are a beacon of negativity, i don't hate being around you anymore because we aren't good friends. but when i hear about how you act around your good friends just gets me stoked for your new friends who think you're sweet to get to know how crazy you are. i'm terrible.
6i've always had a little crush, but i haven't really flirted with you... until you are with your boyfriend. weird
7i can't wait to go out with you and be so wild
Why aren't you going out with the person you like?
all in good time
How many times have you been to the ER for yourself?
once
Is your profile private?
no
In the past 72 hours have you been under the influence?
non
How has this past week been for you?
annoying, i have a gross couch and a stuffy nose but i'm not really sick
Who are you disappointed in right now?
no one
When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
i can't make anyone's choices for them
Do you do your own laundry?
sometimes
What do people think about you that isn't true?
i don't know
How many months until your birthday?
seven or so
What are you listening to?
mt eerie
Who's the first person in your Contacts List in your phone?
my phone is far away
Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do?
who hasn't
Does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes?
probably it it's consistent
Name the first person you can think of that has a tattoo?
my mom? lol
What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
anything, i love peanut butter
Do you currently have a hickey?
non
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
early summer
If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
not being predictable maybe
When was the last time you cried really hard?
a long time actually
Is there a guy that knows everything or mostly everything about you?
non
Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
hahaha if i put clothes on
What's one thing you want more than anything in your life?
contentment
What was on your mind mostly today?
i'm so hungry, i'm so tired. i got home ate and slept and here i am. almost midnihgt. awake and full
Do you like winter time?
as long as it's not windy or slushy i'm down
What was the last movie you watched?
role model
Suppose you see your crush kissing another person?
shit happens
Did you ever lose a best friend?
not really
If something was wrong. who would be the first girl you'd go to?
cc
Who is the first guy you'd go to?
idk
Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?
yes
Does the last person who put their arms around you mean anything to you?
yes
Do you like to cuddle?
i love to cuddle
Are you ticklish?
too much
Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
too long ago
What’s the best feeling in the world?
i don't know
Honestly, has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?
yes
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
yes
Can you play guitar hero?
ya
Is there something you regret?
what she said
What's on your bedroom floor?
clothes, garbage, homework mostly
Any plans for tomorrow?
non
Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
not usually
If your best friend liked your ex, what would you do?
they would be a shady person
Can you successfully blow up and tie a balloon?
ya
When's your birthday?
octobre
What's the last thing you laughed at?
pretending to be on the hills in art class
Which of your friends is the easiest to talk to?
i don't know
Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
i don't feel like i've had one lately
Does the thought of marriage scare you ?
no, i don't really want to at this point in time
What was the first thing you thought this morning?
last swim practice! :)/:(
Who do you hate currently?
no one ever
Do you get the recommended eight hours of sleep a night?
i really try to
Would you rather have your nose or tongue pierced?
tongue i guess, i would look too weird with any facial piercing
i love physics, i love spare and burger king, i love math, i love art.
i love pink floyd, i love bob dylan, i love the stones, i love jefferson airplaine.
i love doing good in school. i love chick pea soup. i love sartre. i love dreaming.
life is awesome.
