It was once prophesized by a comic character by the name of Dilbert, with the assistance of a super computing machine, similar to the one they use to control the financial system and to calculate the dimensions of Donald Trumps comb over that in fact, squirrels were going to one day consume the earth and enslave us all. Like most I think that a notion such as this is unsettling to say the least. Being a man of action I was not going to allow the squirrels to carry out their bushy tailed plots with ease… Not in my city at least. I was going deep cover, I was going to unravel a conspiracy theorists wet dream, and I was going to be on Oprah for this. There were some doubters… When I formed an underground society based out of my parent’s laundry room and set up an online task force, I was faced with considerable opposition. The CEO of Skippy’s peanut butter insisted that their spokesperson and product icon (Mr. Skippy himself) was being subject to defamation of character. When you are in the process of turning a terrorist organization on its head there will always be high stature icons throwing curveballs at you… My first operation in the field was a visit to a local park, squirrel haven if you will; a sanctuary where no soul in their right mind would ever purposefully harm an “innocent” squirrel. I armed myself with a loaf of bread and scamper friendly clothing. It was noted by a certain literary agent that squirrels enjoy climbing around on a bystander deemed to be safe, usually since he is armed with food of one sort or another. On the surface presumably retired old men and children alike can adopt such a habit as an honorable past time, to be one with nature if you will. What I found is far more sinister.

You would think that having a number of squirrels scampering about your person would have an almost therapeutic value to it, increase your circulation and whatnot, but instead it is much more uncomfortable than that, the squirrels have talons if you haven’t noticed, and they will claw you alive if you’re not careful. I stared down into the beady little eyes of one of these vermin and what I saw stripped my soul of some of its innocence, bringing me to a very surreal realization. These animals are not the blissful, content little creatures with cute features like a bunny or a kitten… These are grizzled rodents of the wild, teeth yellowed and patches of fur missing. It’s a mental picture that’s embedded in my psyche to this very day. From there fourth I had a deeper distaste and bitterness towards nature’s creatures. If you embrace them, they will consume you. It’s a squirrel devouring man world out there. We simply have a size advantage and more advanced technology…to our knowledge. These squirrels aren’t working alone either, they have allies. The retired men I spoke of earlier took on a new form after my close encounter with the squirrels. Further investigations of their kind lead me to believe that these are not your usual folk. Most of them are every bit as grizzled as the squirrels themselves, with tattered old clothes and thick beards with twigs and leaves sticking out of them. These were actually glorified hobos, agents of the squirrels. Everyone knows that hobos are the closest things we have to revolutionaries in North America. They live beyond the economic system, no boom or bust affects them severely, in all actuality there numbers flourish in the worst of times. Hobos are underground right now, formulating a means to overthrow governments nationwide. It has been a lifelong dream of the hobos ever since by some act of god they put one of their kind in charge of the treasury of the United States during the depression of the 30s… since there was no money to be had anyways. Yes, Joe Junkpan was his name… He had assumed the role when hobos stormed the white house pocketing sandwiches and their sheer volume drowned Americas current leaders in a mass of confusion… and when the dust had settled and all the sandwiches were gone, Joe was already establishing a rein of terror. One hobo in Kansas went so far as proclaiming himself the duke of the west and promptly demanded taxes… It was madness… They wanted cheap beer and warm hats along with barrels and barrels of swallowfeather sauce and no one had the slightest clue what they were talking about… This is the kind of future squirrels would provide. Sure we complain about our current political leaders, but if you could infiltrate the mind of the typical squirrel all they ever think about is fascist ideals and acorns. Famous dictators like Hitler and Chairman Mao had squirrels on their board of directors… North Korea is importing squirrels en mass promising limitless quantities of nutella and other nut-based novelties fancied by the squirrels. All I can say is… DON’T BE FOOLED BY THEIR SCAMPERING

Conflict. It’s a major downfall of our ever clashing society. Whether its something as simple as a highly religious old lady who stumbles upon a Bevis and Butthead rerun or one of Kim Jong’s minions screaming bloody murder into a camera with the hope that someone will take them seriously. A popular scientific claim suggests that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction… A ball hits the ground with a degree of force, chances are its going to bounce back up again. You launch a small animal from a cannon, fate will have it that animal will give some unsuspecting individual the impression that badgers can fly. Most relationships mask themselves in love and warm fuzzies to begin with but we as humans have this trademark ability of making war with one another over the silliest of things, often escalating to warfare or practical jokes…then warfare, like kittens in a bag, all ravenously clawing at one another simply due to their close proximity and the anxiety of potentially running out of oxygen. Which leads me to another point; people don’t generally appreciate the idea of giving up their livelihood at the hand of another or even remotely at the hand of their own. Give a man a can of gas and he will blow something up… Give a man an informational video on resources and he will blow up a country, terrorize the indigenous people and drag their leader out of a cave and check his dental records and eventually kill him on CNN.

So how does one avoid conflict you ask? A smug liberal would tell you to negotiate, but more logical individuals know that such tactics don’t work so well when there are armament contracts to be had. So thus the games begin. As an employee of a popular coffee chain I have seen more than my fair share of fights, brawls, international incidents and kafuffles all of which I have arisen victorious. I’m a nice guy so I will share some of the tactics I’m most fond of. Making eye contact is key, turning away shows fear, or that perhaps your fly was down which is worse still, so keep those visionaries lock on, preferably for 25 minutes or so, then slowly raise an eyebrow… This is very intimidating and confusing for your adversary. Popular individuals such as Dwayne Johnson aka “The Rock” uses this tactic frequently, look it up on youtube, it is indeed very intimidating. Henchmen are also crucial to modern day warfare of the civilized variety. Fighting your own battles in this day and age is distasteful and actually frowned upon really, especially with the economic downturn and the abundance of henchmen in your local classified ads. The next step is to run a smear campaign, these can be expensive, depending on your budget or if your enemy tried to cornhole you or steal your wife. Some might suggest that plastering your local community with laminated signs scrawled in crayon advertising the obscene grooming patterns of Sarah Palin tarnishes the reputation of the country. I beg to differ, in fact the individuals daring to suggest such things are about as far from patriotic as it comes and they probably are from Connecticut and eat fish sticks. A recent inquiry by time magazine discovered anti-smear campaigners are more likely to get abortions or vote to raise taxes. So who are you gonna believe? I myself have personally funded over 172 smear campaigns on everything from traveling hobo circuses to canceling Charmin toilet paper ads.

So the next time a troll shows up at your house demanding to dump a bucket of sand on your floor and suck it up with a solid cast iron device that vaguely resembles a chemical toilet in an eastern European country, you offload those tactics on his over-paid polyester tie wearing devious lisping hair gel’d ass….It will make you feel like a real man, woman or child.