The Answering Machine at a Psychiatric Hospital: 
"Hello, welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are:
Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.
Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the Line so we can trace your call.
Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have:
Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmothers' maiden names.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 999.
Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
