Could have all be prevented
the WASTED tears
the WASTED wishes
countless times of blaming myself
and the WASTED emotions
wondering WHY.....
So many questions, now have answers
maybe its true some things are meant to never be told.
I would have been better off.
cuz this changes EVERYTHING.
Life as I know it is different.
And shes gone....never comming back.
mixed emotions, and thoughts racing through my mind.
now what.
where do I go from here.
My whole life ive been told a lie.

Vikkii and Alana's plan..

Alana wins the lottery at 22, and wins over 6.4 million
Vikkii wins the very next lotto, and wins aobut the same amount


We move into a mansion, vacation every weekend
LAUGH IN OUR SO CALLED FRIENDS FACES WHEN THEY ATTEMPT TO MOOCH OFF US..CUZ THERE IS NOOOO WAY THERE GETTING ANYTHING.
I go tanning..vikkii comes with me everytime and waits for me to finish (so she can pick up some hot tanned bitches)
She shops at high end boy like stores...I go with her to pick up some boyish lesbians!

Can't wait until I can look at you again without my heart breaking, and I dont have to fight back the tears.

Alana says:
jess your down for marrying shay
Jess; says:
yes
Alana says:
dont you love jess how EVERYONE wants to move out with me lol
Alana says:
u, shay, kelsey, vikkii, jen lol
Jess; says:
hahah
Jess; says:
its because your a hoot!
Shay says:
hoot?
Alana says:
well of course mabel is comming along
Shay says:
SHE BETTER
Alana says:
she doesnt even need a bedroom
Jess; says:
its a package deal
Alana says:
she just chills in the pantry
Jess; says:
she steals crackers though
Alana says:
fucking fat ass always eating our food tho..what a drag
Shay says:
well if we ever fun out of food we can blame mabel for it
Shay says:
Ahahahahaah
Jess; says:
we'll have to shop at costco
Alana says:
thats fine with me..maybe we should keep our food somehere else...
Jess; says:
it wont matter
Jess; says:
she will just open the pantry door and leave
Jess; says:
to go get more food
Alana says:
we will make her do amature strip night every week to pay for groceryies
Alana says:
she was a riot at wet shirt
Alana says:
everyone loved her!
Shay says:
...she will win fo show
Jess; says:
alana.. i have something to tell you
Jess; says:
mabel wanted to keep it a secret
Alana says:
mabel ACTUALLY pushed me
Alana says:
when i fell at wet t
Jess; says:
but your my best friend.. and you need to know
Shay says:
....
Jess; says:
me and her..
Jess; says:
we're together..
Jess; says:
sexually
Shay says:
WTF
Shay says:
she just asked me out
Shay says:
jess
Shay says:
shes playing us both
Alana says:
what...she told me we were together but i had to keep it a secret
Jess; says:
omg!
Jess; says:
the truth is out!
Shay says:
what a slut
Alana says:
what a fucking PLAYER!!!
Jess; says:
she had us all fooled!
Alana says:
omg you guys we are sooooo funny
Jess; says:
hahahaha
Jess; says:
im laughing sooo hard
Alana says:
meee tooo lol
Shay says:
...LOL ima cry
Alana says:
cuz me and shay said the same thing at like the same time
Shay says:
theres like 3 other people in this room
Shay says:
loking at me like ima fucking tard
Jess; says:
hahahaha
Alana says:
hahahahaha u are shay...mabel taught you well
Shay says:
So ...i was going to ask mabel if she wanted to share a room
Shay says:
but now i see why she was in the pantry in the first place
Shay says:
slluuuttt
Jess; says:
no kidding
Alana says:
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Alana says:
can we cam on this 3 way convo?
Jess; says:
nope
Shay says:
I WISH!
Alana says:
i can to one person at a time
Alana says:
im naked tho
Shay says:
..naked...?
Alana says:
yea
Alana says:
on my couch eating fruit looks
Alana says:
loops
Jess; says:
with you dad
Alana says:
no hes not home lol
Alana says:
no i think hes busy with mabel..i heard him saying they were going for dinner or something
Jess; says:
omg
Jess; says:
mabel is such a hoe
Jess; says:
she has dinner planned with my dad tomorrow night
Shay says:
Fuck...im locking the pantry at night
Alana says:
omg MABEL..we need a revenge plot
Jess; says:
fuck this
Jess; says:
im going for samara now
Shay says:
.....do it
Alana says:
i want the girl from the grudge
Jess; says:
shes got a cute look to her
Jess; says:
your going AZN
Alana says:
she way she comes down those stairs always turns me on
Shay says:
..i was thinking of playing the other side of the fence and go for a nice guy like casper
Jess; says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jess; says:
SHAY
Jess; says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Alana says:
OMG LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Alana says:
haha sweet. i know. im soo emotional today
Jess; says:
im gonna be shitting my ass out all day
Alana says:
OMG LOL
Alana says:
thats soooo funnyyyyyyyy
Jess; says:
im pretty sure i already lost like 9000 pounds from the shit i took like 20 minutes ago
Alana says:
hahaha
Alana says:
i want to blog that
Alana says:
im crying im laughing sooo hard
Alana says:
jess thats why your my bestfriend!
Jess; says:
HAHAHAHA
Jess; says:
im so serious too
Jess; says:
it was hugee

I still dont believe your gone, everytime the phone rings
I pray it you calling me, telling me that this was a huge joke
and I fell for it. My heart is telling me your alive, yet my brain
is telling me otherwise. Nothing feels right without you mom.
Im trying hard..SOO hard to let you go. But truth is god stole you
from me before I was ready, so im deeply angry. Im always going
to be confused how I feel about you, and what happened.
Im MAD that you left me and shandon when we were 2 and she 1,
im mad that you chose a more glamourous life
Im mad you thought that because you came back when I was 10
you had to buy, and take me across the world to win my love back.
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS A MOTHER
you to be there to hold me when I was crying
do my hair for picture day
give my mothers days crafts to
tuck me in my bed at night
I would have done anything with you..
Did you know EVERY SINGLE BIRTHDAY while you were gone
id get all dressed up, be on my best behavior and wish on my
candles that this year I had been good enough for you, and
you would come back....
I never told you how angry I was with you when you came back.
And when I say came back, I mean came to edmonton to see us.
You still decided to live in Italy, and then Arizona
I still never got to see you, mabey once a year.
All those time we went to california, veges, hawaii ect ect
were the best times of my life,but I didnt need to be there to
have a good time. I would have been just as happy to have
been drivingin your car singing lorrie morgan with you
Im soo much like you mom.
We both hold soo much inside, hidden from the world.
I could see in your eyes when you'd look at me all
the things you wanted to say but couldnt.
When I decided to move to Arizona with you 2 years ago I had
no idea what I was in for. I was hoping to get to know you.
I didnt know that these 2 years would make up my only
real memories of you. I lived with you for a few months,
then moved back to edmonton...I did that over and over again.
I was there the day the doctor
called and said you had lung cancer, and you must
have had it for atleast a year because it was already bad.
I was there the day they put tubes in your lungs to drain
the fluid, and add air because it had collaped.
I saw you go from a beautiful woman, to the complete opposite.
For my cheerleading trip to myrtle beach, south carolina
you were bald, and over weight from chemo,
then almost a year later you had grown quite a bit of hair but looked like
a skeletion. At christmas this past year I knew you were going to
die. Just looking at your fragile body, seeing you in so much pain
I think we both knew you wernt going to make it. The cancer
had spread to your brain, you told me a little while after.
How was I supposed to react. It was after this phone call
when all the terible thoughts came about, it was the first time
I had thought about what my life was going to be like without you.
Ive gotten to know you so much better, I finally had a mother whom
I loved with ALL MY HEART and I knew you loved me to.
WHY YOU, I FINALLY HAD EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED
AND IT WAS ALL SLOWLY BEING TAKEN FROM ME AGAIN!
its like all this, you comming back was such a tease,
cuz just like before your leaving...but this time for good.
Your never going to be there when I get married,
have kids one day
ANYTHING....
what am I supposed to do without you??
Im Alone now.....no one knows how I feels,
kow one even trys to understand, they just expect me
to live my life like nuthing happened. Well something did happen
you died on june 11, 2008.
Everyone takes there parents for grantide.
I wish my mom would tell me I cant go out tonight,
so we get into a huge fight..that would mean shes here.
I wish I could come home and my mom would be here.
Im so angry with people when they say things like
my mom is such a bitch I hate her, or anything like that
cuz I would do anything to have mine back.
I dont remember the sound of your voice anymore,
or the way you held me when I cried.
At your funeral (on fathers day of all days..so not only is
mothers day officially ruined, now fathers day)
I looked at your body and I fell to the ground and screamed and
cried. Thats the worst experience of my life, seeing you
lifeless in your gorgeous casket. I watched you eyes
desperate to see a flicker of movement,
and stared at your chest to see it rise and fall with each breath.
It didnt happen. You were gone.
Then i noticed your braclettle, the one shandon and I got you
for your birthday..it was twisted so I reached down to fix it,
I felt your skin by accident, you were soo cold and stiff. I knew
at that moment you were not comming back. But my heart
told me otherwise. I still hold onto the hope you will come back.
If you came back from heaven, would we take off where we left off??
If god let you go, I hope he'd no, id never let you go again
Heaven gained an Angel that day.
Its the day that will forever change my life.
Everything reminds me of you mom,
I dont want it to...cuz when I remember times we had
it brings all the pain..if I just forgot I wouldnt hurt anymore.
I honestly had no idea it would be this hard.
You fought SOOO hard and long for life, I cant imagine how you felt
knowing all you would miss out on. I know you wernt scared of actually
dieing, just what me and shandon would do. The last time I talked to you
was a week before you passed. You called me after work, and asked how
I was..I Said im really good, I love my job (daycare), im going to school
for it and its what I want to do for the rest of my life..well work with kids,
I was with shay...(my ex now), whom was my first love, and everything
was looking up for me. I later learned my mom had the same
convo with my sister. In my mind she called to make sure I was alright
cuz she new here time was running out. She wanted to make sure
that after she was gone I would be ok. I know one day I will be.
I have AMAZING days, then others not so good. But thats I guess what
happens. I still cry everyday for you. I know you would be hurt and a little
mad that I do somethings that ive done as a result to your death..
I just dont know what else to do. Look at me, and what ive done,
ive lost so many things that I so dearly loved. But on a happier note,
my friends are incredible. Some better than others.
Dawn, Asian and Deanna...are more than anything I could ask for in friends.
So if its true that you watch over me and everyone in your life..
can you please watch over them to. Rhiannon as well.
Since your buried in Arizona and im here in edmonton, im just going
to write to you on here...there is sooo much more that needs to be said,
but I couldnt possibly write it all now.
Mommy I may be confused about how I feel, but one feeling I
know is as clear as day..I LOVE YOU and I ALWAYS WILL
im going to make you proud.